


F*cking Perfect

by Fleppy85



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:49:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 43,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24991066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fleppy85/pseuds/Fleppy85
Summary: Somebody leaves a ticket to P!nk in Sofia's locker and the blonde has a great night at the concert - but no clue who was her secret benefactor. Meanwhile Sara receives text messages that made her smile all the time and doesn't want Greg or Sofia anything to know about it.





	F*cking Perfect

Fucking perfect

Sofia had no idea who put the envelope in her locker, but when she opened it in the morning, she found an envelope in there. Somebody must have slipped it through the little space between locker and locker door. Wasn't she way too old for a love letter from a secret admirer. You did these things in kindergarten and junior high school, not when you were… slightly over thirty.   
Sofia was written on it, in capital letters, made it impossible for her to find out, who wrote it. Looking to the left and right, she saw, she was alone, took the envelope, put it in her pocket, closed the locker door and left the room. Whoever wrote the letter wouldn't spy on her while she read whatever was written in it. She's do that at home, while she had breakfast and cuddled her cat.   
It couldn't be a work related letter, could it? No, if it was, whoever wrote it, had given it to her in person and not slipped it secretly in her locker. It had to be personal. And a secret. Somebody didn't want the rest of the lab to know, Sofia got this letter. How exciting. Her curiosity grew from minute to minute. Worst, she had very special ideas, whom she wanted to be the writer and what was written down in the letter. Oh yes, a very good imagination, what it should be. Maybe she should risk a little peek on her way home, the next time she had to stop in front of a red light…no, keep it all for home! Patience was such a hard thing.   
Taking two steps at a time she jumped up in her apartment, kicked away her shoes and torn the envelope apart. Instead of a deep red sheet of paper or at least a white one with hearts all over it, all she got was a ticket. No comments, no letter. She turned the ticket and gasped for air. This had to be a joke. Somebody gave her a ticket for P!nk! For the sold out P!nk concert tonight, the one she tried to get tickets for and didn't succeed. For a while Sofia played with the idea to join the security team or use her badge to get to the concert. It was the first concert of the tour, a special concert and in this case using special ways to get inside, were legal. In her eyes.   
"Justice, I've got a ticket to P!nk! Look at this!" She sat on the floor and her red kitten jumped from the chair on her lap, purred and enjoyed the cuddles he got. Six months old, he was more like a dog than a cat to her, followed her when she was in her apartment and slept on her bed every day.   
"Tonight at the MGM Grand. I've no idea who gave it to me, but whoever was it, deserves a huge thank you and knows I've got the night off. But who knows it? And who knew I wanted to see her? I didn't really tell anybody, did I?"  
The kitten jumped on her shoulder and licked her cheek.   
"Now I look like a witch."  
Which wasn't that bad. She took the kitten in her arms and carried it to the bedroom. Here she placed Justice on her bed and undressed herself. "Give me a few minutes for a shower, then I'll be with you. Warm up the bed, sniff on the ticket, find out who touched it and tell me. Be a good police kitten. After all, your name is Justice, knowing who gave me the ticket is part of justice, don't you think?"  
The kitten meowed, which made Sofia smile. Justice answered her, if she could get in her job an answer from justice all the time, life would be easier. 

A couple of thousand people wanted to get into the concert hall and Sofia had to fight for a place close to the stage. Not easy, but she made it around twenty yards to the stage, a good place to see P!nk and experience the show. With her camera ready, she took a look around. Still she had no idea who gave her the ticket and wondered, if this person was here too. If so, it wasn't very likely they'd meet, with around five thousand people here and another five thousand sitting around interior room, it wasn't likely to see any known face.   
The whole day Sofia listened to songs of the blonde singer, watched the Sydney concert on DVD and annoyed Justice with happy dances with him in her arms. Probably by now her poor kitten was seasick. And happy she was gone for a few hours. The crazy woman was gone, happy with her ticket and glad, she didn't cancel her night off today. Fade had been very kind to her.   
The light were turned low and the noise around her rose. Time to start the show, time to see P!nk. Guitars and drums started the show, the stage was still dark, Sofia jumped up and down, knowing it didn't help to see more. Until nobody switched on the light, she was like blind.   
Random blinking light appeared and at the same moment P!nk started singing and all people screamed; so did Sofia. P!nk! P!nk! P!nk! And yes, let the party started. She was so ready for a party, wouldn't mind when they celebrated, danced and sing the whole night. How many songs could she play? Over sixty…forget sixty, there were hundreds of songs she wanted to hear from the blonde singer, no matter if they were written by her or not.   
Song by song Sofia sung all lyrics, danced, jumped and was focused on the stage, so she forgot about the person who gave the ticket to her. Whoever it was, hopefully this person was here too and had such a great time like she did.   
Somebody was called on stage, what a lucky woman. She could dance and sing with P!nk. Why didn't Sofia make it into the first row? Because she didn't camp in front of the concert hall for days and had to fight for the place she stood now. Her camera in one hand, the other in the air she continued to jump, aware of the fact, her video was nothing more than a documentation of a concert, that would make you feel seasick when you watched it later, but it kept the sound and the atmosphere. What a memory. Hopefully they could buy these wrist bands after the concert, with the complete concert as an audio file on it.   
Her heart made a triple somersault when her favorite song started.   
"Made a wrong turn, once or twice. Dug my way out blood and fire. Bad decisions, that's alright. Welcome to my silly life."  
Oh, her life was just perfect at the moment. The song sounded live even better than on CD. "Mistreated this place, misunderstood. Miss knowing it's all good, it didn't slow me down. Mistaking, always second guessing, underestimating, look I'm still around."   
This song reminded her so much of a person she knew, a person she wished would be here with her. The only thing that was missing this night, to make it a perfect night.   
"Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel like you're less than fucking perfect. Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever fee like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me!"  
Oh, she knew somebody, who was also fucking perfect to her. So damn perfect and Sofia had no nerves to say these words out loud. Maybe she had to get the single of this song and, after she got a ticket for P!nk in her locker, she could give away the single to the one, who was perfect to her. Secretly, without leaving her name and any fingerprints behind.   
Yes, that was a very good idea. And while she did this, she'd sing in her mind:   
Pretty, pretty please  
If you ever, ever feel  
Like you're nothing  
You're fucking perfect to me

Mister Blue Sky

"Hi Greg."  
"Sofia, what brings you here?" Greg smiled when Sofia came into the break room. He had taken a little break from his case to get some new coffee. "Coffee?"  
"Your brand?"  
"Sure."  
"Always." The blonde sat down. "I've got good news for you."  
"Grissom sent you to tell me, I get a pay rise?"  
"Uhm no, sorry. "  
"Bugger. I had plans with the money. What good news do you have?"  
"I happened to…" A cell phone started ringing. Sofia furrowed her brows. She knew this melody from somewhere. Happy and catchy. Definitely not a ring tone from a lab cell phone.   
"That's Sara's cell phone." He grinned. "Nice melody, isn't it?"  
"Very happy, catchy, gets you in a better mood. Something I can imagine as a song to get me out of bed. Does it work on her? Is she in happy mood?" Sofia hadn't seen the brunette a few nights. Somehow they never worked the same cases together.   
"Well, I don't know if it's because of the song, but as a matter of fact, yes she is. Since a couple of days. I caught her standing in a layout room, with an absent-minded smile, lost in thoughts and not working on her evidence anymore, smiling and - you won't believe it - she hummed a melody. Does this behavior ring any bells?"  
"If we were talking about somebody else, it rings a few bells, we're talking about Sara, so I go with, she thinks about something. A case? Does she have a hard case, she closed? Or any other solution for problems, that might get her attention away from the evidence she works on?"  
"No, no harder cases than usual and as far as I know, everything is all right. I bet the reason for her absent-minded smile and this happy music is a date."  
"A date?" The blonde starred at the her friend. "Sara Sidle dates? Whom?" Was her own voice only filled with disbelieve or also with jealousy? Sara dated somebody? Greg had to be wrong, this couldn't be true.   
"I don't know."  
"You must be wrong."  
"No, I don't think so."  
"What's your evidence, CSI Sanders? Lay it out for me."  
"Beside this happy song? Every time she gets a text - and she gets quite a few the last couple of days - we hear 'Mister Blue Sky' when she doesn't have her cell phone on mute. Most times she smiles when she reads the messages, refuses to talk about them, who sent them to her." He leant back, expecting her to agree.   
"Suspicious, definitely not the Sara Sidle we know. Still, only circumstantial evidence. Got more?" She still didn't want to believe this.   
"I do. She had a couple of nights off the last weeks. She asked for nights off, did you ever hear her asking for a night off before?"  
"No." The blonde shook her head. Sara Sidle was a champion in collection overtime, the brunette was the first one, who wrote her name down for working on Christmas Day and other holidays.   
"I asked her what she's doing on her days off, all I got was a 'I sit at home and think the whole time of you, Greggo' and as much as I want to believe this, you know I do, I know it's not true. Plus I saw her having a small bag in her car, like an overnight bag, ready to go somewhere or like she came from somewhere. Or shall I say: somebody?"  
"Did you ask her about it."  
"Of course, you know me, I'm curious, I want to know everything. She told it's not my business and refused to talk about it. Like she doesn't talk about where she spends her evenings. I tried to call her a few times, wanted to have dinner with her before we go to work, and her landline telephone rang until the answering machine picked up. She doesn't spend her days in front of the police scanner anymore.  
Now tell me, is this still circumstantial evidence or am I good enough to get a warrant?"   
"Absolutely, if I were a judge and this was a case, you got a warrant."  
"Thanks. So, what are we going to do now?"  
"How about concentrating on your work rather than my private life?"   
Both turned and starred at the brunette, who leant at the doorframe and watched them, wearing a not happy face. Apparently Sara heard what they were talking about. How much did she hear? And how angry was she?   
"Hi." Sofia tried to smile, knew it looked more like a grimace.   
"Got no work to do today, detective?"   
"A lot of work, as a matter of fact, I'm here because of work. Greg, we arrested the man of your last case, the football player. He confessed killing his girlfriend."  
"Good. Case closed." He looked at Sara, who read the message on her cell phone.   
"If you dare to asked a question, that isn't your business, you'll be the next victim in a murder case." The brunette said without looking up. "Stay out of my private life, Greg." She left the room.   
"Wham, she is pissed." Greg sighed.   
"I think pissed is an understatement, she's close to explore. Do you have any idea how much she heard?" Sofia asked.  
"No, but it was too much."  
"I've the problem, when people tell me to stay out of something, I get more and more interested in it."  
"And my curiosity grows…" He made sure Sara wasn't around, lowered his voice. "Want to work a new case with me? One, not assigned by Grissom and Brass?"  
Sofia grinned. "You mean, the case of…we need a code word."  
"Rubia Elo."   
"Rubia Elo?"  
"The Spanish word for blond. She doesn't speak Spanish, but even when she understands it, she isn't blond, so it can't be about her. And Elo for the song of her cell phone, 'Mister Blue Sky' from Electric Light Orchestra. "  
"Good thinking, Greggo. Lets work on the Rubia Elo case together. But we shouldn't discuss it here anymore."  
"No. Starbucks? Around the corner? I text you when I get something new."  
"And I text you." Sofia paused for a moment. "You know, we both know how to access her cell phone list…but we should keep it legal and don't overstep too many lines. By trying to find out, who is the secret person, she is in contact with, we do more than we should. Her message to you was clear and I'm sure, she meant me too."  
"She never said your name."  
"The look she gave me said enough. Code red, be careful."  
"We will." Greg smiled.   
"Okay, I see you around." Sofia got out of the room. Sara was dating somebody and didn't want them to know. Whom? It had to be somebody, who worked nights, after all, it was four in the morning and she got text messages. If you don't work night shifts, you're not awake at this time. Somebody from the team? No, Greg should have noticed anything if Sara dated somebody from the team. Whoever it was, Sofia didn't like it. Not at all.   
She stepped out of the building to get to her car. In the east the sun rose and promised another hot summer day in Las Vegas. Inch for inch the sunlight made its way up from behind the mountain, pushing the darkness of the night away and preparing them for a day with deep blue sky. Mister Blue Sky. What did they sing? Sun is shinning in the sky, there ain't no cloud in sight. When she thought of Sara dating somebody, there were a lot of clouds on her sky. Whoever Mister Blue Sky was, she didn't like him and she started to hate the song. It wasn't right that somebody made grumpy Sara into a happy Sara. So not right. In fact, it hurt. Sofia hated to admit this, but she was jealous. 

Nobody knows

It was a long night, not a nice one too. Sofia arrived at a murder scene with four dead bodies in a nice one family house. A whole family was killed and so far they didn't really have a lot of evidence nor clues about who did it. At the moment they believed it was a B&E gone very, very wrong. The father, thirty-two was shot in the head on the couch. Next to him a little boy, four years old. Also shot. Both seemed to have watched TV when somebody ended their lives. The mother, thirty-three, was shot in the kitchen, preparing dinner when she killed and the daughter, seven, had been in her room upstairs, where she was shot too. Pictures, that were on Sofia's mind when she came back to the department in the late morning, ready to go home because she needed some sleep. She started early yesterday and was awake for over thirty hours.   
When she opened her locker, an envelope fell out. Surprised she picked it up. What was that? Another ticket to a concert? The blonde looked around, couldn't see anybody watching her. Like the first envelope she got three days ago, her name was written on it in capital letters. It had to be the same person. Who? She needed to find out.  
Carefully she put the envelope in a plastic bag. This time she'd find out who put the envelope in her locker. She'd look for fingerprints and talk to her secret…benefactor. Thank him. Her. The ticket had to be expensive. After that she would ask for some answers. Like why these envelopes? Why this hide and seek game? Why not go to her and say: hey, I've got a spare ticket, want it?   
Getting some gloves from what was left of her old CSI kit, she opened the envelope carefully. She had to dust it for prints and then continue with whatever was inside. Carefully she pulled out a sheet of paper. More possible fingerprints. Unfolding it, she saw the message was written on a computer. Very good, this way she could find out which printer did the job and got more traces to work with.   
Nobody knows  
Nobody knows but me  
That I sometimes cry  
If I could pretend that I'm asleep  
When my tears start to fall  
I peek out from behind these walls  
I think nobody knows  
Nobody knows no  
A P!nk song. This envelope had to be from the same person, who got her the ticket. Good, it was her first piece of evidence to work with. Why this song? Nobody knows. Like nobody knew who left this envelope in Sofia's locker. This song was about pain, about being alone. When she heart the song the first time, she felt like sometimes she felt like P!nk and the words came right from her heart. Nobody knew what was going on inside her. And she tried really hard that nobody found out.   
So was it the same with this person? Were the ticket and the song text a message? A love message? Nobody knew X was in love with Sofia, not even Sofia. And she wanted to know who was it. Damn it, she had a right to know it, hadn't she? And why hide? It wasn't something bad to be in love with somebody…okay, after she was a secret admirer too, she could understand why somebody didn't dare to tell the truth. But she was a nice woman, why was somebody afraid of her? She didn't get crazy, she'd feel honored.   
Baby  
Oh the secret's safe with me  
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be  
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone  
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown  
And I've lost my way back home  
I think nobody knows no  
I said nobody knows  
Nobody cares  
There was a part of the lyrics missing. So whoever left the envelope only printed the parts of the song, that seemed to be important. Like that the secret is safe. Which secret? The secret of who left the envelope? She wasn't supposed to find out? The secret, who was in love with her? Nothing Sofia liked. She wanted answers, it was part of her nature. When she was a kid and played 'Clue' with her parents, it always bothered not to he the first one, who knew, who the killer was. No secret was safe from her. Nobody cares? Cares about what? She cared a lot, she was a detective, it was her job to care. Why lost on the way back home? Could Sofia help? Maybe, she was the 'home' for whoever.   
Tomorrow I'll be there my friend  
I'll wake up and start all over again  
When everybody else is gone  
Tomorrow I'll be there my friend. Did that mean tomorrow she'd find out who left the envelope? That she'd get all her answers then? A nice idea, would save her a lot of work, figuring all the answers out herself. But why start all over again? Sounds like a new beginning. Was she, Sofia, involved in this new beginning? And if so, what was her part? Why should everybody else be gone? To where?   
Nobody knows  
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart  
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark  
And the world is asleep  
I think nobody knows  
Nobody knows  
Nobody knows but me  
Me  
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart. A person, who keeps her private life to herself. Himself? The one, who came first to mind, was Sara. The brunette kept to herself, tried to leave all the others out. Didn't want them involved in her feelings. Nobody knows but me. Yeah, at the moment nobody knew who left the envelopes behind, didn't know who was the secret person, only the one who did it knew all the answers. Hopefully Sofia knew them soon too. She had all intentions to do so. And she hoped it was Sara, who left her the envelopes. Because, what nobody knew but Sofia, was, that she had a really huge crush on the brunette. Meant, this song fit also to her and her feelings.   
The crush was also the reason why she joined Greg in his private Rubia Elo case. If there was somebody in Sara's life, it would hurt, a lot, but somehow Sofia could deal with it. Somehow, when she knew she had no chances, knew she could stop fantasizing about her former CSI colleague. Not that it would be easy, only the thought of it hurt, made her heart ache, but it was easier to know, what you were dealing with, than wonder and hope all the time, only to get disappointed at the end. So far Greg and her hadn't found out anything, didn't know who sent the messages to the brunette. Fact was, she received various each shift and whenever Greg paid too much attentions, she got angry. You don't get angry for no reason, do you?   
Time to process the envelope and the paper. She dusted both for fingerprints and only got two on the envelope. She always knew there was a reason why she kept her old CSI stuff. After she touched the envelope without gloves, put it in her bag, they had to be hers. The paper was clean. Another possibility was DNA. When the secret person used his or her tongue to close the envelope, there was DNA. The problem was, she had no chance to test for DNA without having people know about it. And she doubted that somebody such a mistake, after the envelope and the paper were clean.   
Somebody, who knew about evidence. Another clue pointing towards Sara - at least that was what Sofia told herself. The brunette knew about evidence, knew how to leave no traces behind. The problem was, with all these cop shows on TV, a lot of people knew about it. And it wasn't this difficult to leave an envelope without prints and DNA behind. Which was more difficult was getting to her locker. Who had access to it? Her colleagues…so on her suspect list were over fifty people. Sixty two lockers in the room, sixty-two people with access. And when the door wasn't locked, a lot of more people had access. But it had to be somebody, who worked nights or dayshift. The envelopes weren't there when Sofia arrived, so they had to be placed in there during the night, the very early morning. Not a big help, but a start. Sooner or later Sofia would get her answers. After all, she was a detective and used to be a CSI, she knew how to work these cases. 

Lonely girl

"What did you find out?" Sofia sat down with her coffee and watched Greg, who had made himself comfortable in the armchair. They were at Starbucks, away from the lab, so they could talk without having one of their colleagues, especially not Sara, listen to them.   
"She got a couple of messages last night and this morning she left the lab as the first one. I walked past her car last night when I came back from a scene, there was no bag visible, but it could be in the trunk. Cath asked her who sent her messages in the night and all Sara answered was 'nobody', made it obvious, she didn't want any more questions about it. Nick and Warrick thought about hacking into her telephone list or steal the cell phone and have a look themselves, but I told them, that is a very bad idea."  
"They do that and Sara will never talk to them again and I can understand her." Sofia said. "If somebody steals my cell phone and checks on the computer who sends me messages, I'd get angry too. We're also trying to find out, who is the mystery person, but at least we respect the law of privacy. Mostly. Nevertheless, I feel guilty sometimes."  
"Me too. We meet for dinner tonight, why don't you join us?"  
"Are you sure Sara would like that?"  
"I don't know, can't see a reason why she should be mad. Plus I want to hear all about your concert night, want to see photos. How was P!nk?"  
"Hot!"  
"Oh, she most definitely is hot. How did you get the ticket? I tried to get one, but they were sold out. I think the only way to get one was pre-ordering them and for that, you needed to be a member of her fan club. Or win them in the radio."  
"It was…fucking perfect." Sofia smiled. "Great show, great music. I really like her attitude. When she split up with her husband, instead of whine and cry, she made a cool rock song about it. I don't think I could do it. Break-ups make me pretty sad."   
"Nobody with a half a brain breaks-up with you." Greg smirked. "And stupid people aren't worth being with you. Pretty easy."  
"Thanks."  
"Plus, you still have me, you're still a cool ass-kicking cop and a beautiful woman. No need to whine about an idiot, there are a lot of people out, who are much better…talking about it, got somebody?" He cocked his head.   
"Are you hitting me, Greg?" Her voice was amused with a little bit of shock. This better was a joke and not a serious question, she didn't need him hitting on her. Greg was a great man, a wonderful friend, but he wasn't the one she wanted. And she didn't want to tell him whom she wanted. It wasn't fair to tell him and not tell Sara, was she felt for her.   
"No, just wondering. A beautiful woman like you should have a lot of admirers."  
"Only one." The second she said it, she regretted it. It had been a reflex, words blurred out without thinking.   
"Whom?"  
Now it was too late to pretend she never said it or change the topic. "I've no idea. Somebody left the ticket for P!nk in my locker." There was no reason to mention the second envelope too, not too many details about something, she couldn't put her finger on, what it meant, what she should think of it.  
"Seriously?"  
"Yes. When I opened my locker that morning, an envelope with the ticket fell out. I've no idea who put it in there, I dusted it for prints, nothing."  
"Was there a message with it?"  
"No. Only the ticket and that's it."  
"Wow…must be somebody from the department, other people can't get to your locker, there are no names on the locker, so whoever put the ticket inside, knew it's your locker. Or chose the wrong locker, which make you a happy woman, but not the one, who was supposed to get the ticket at the first place."  
"My name was written on the envelope."  
"Okay, it's yours. Did you recognize the handwriting?"  
"No, it were capital letters, made it impossible to tell, who wrote them."  
"Honey, we just got a second case, the mysterious letter person."  
"Shouldn't we concentrate on our Rubia Elo case? After all, we didn't get far. Actually, we have no clue and frankly, I've no idea how to get answers. We can't get a PI to follow her."  
"We could, as well as we could follow her ourselves."  
"Greg, we can't spy on Sara, she'll kill us if we do it. It's like Nick's and Warrick's ideas. We can't overstep a certain line."  
"You're right." He sighed.   
"Does she ever talk or her cell phone or are it always text messages?"  
"Always text messages. I've never seen her making a private phone call."  
"Strange. No even in her break time? Does she spend her breaks with you?"  
"When we have our breaks together, she doesn't talk on the phone, only the messages."  
The blonde closed her eyes. This case seemed as difficult as her own, private envelope case. No matter from where you looked at it, there was nothing, that helped you out, got a step closer to your solution. Very strange, very annoying.   
"When we have dinner with her and she isn't too pissed I'm there too, we need to ask our questions very carefully. As soon as she thinks, we're interrogation her, try to find private things out, she'll storm away. You know it as good as I do."  
He nodded. They both knew, it was a difficult job to find out about Sara's private life.   
"Okay, what time and where?"  
"Seven, the dinner on Flamingo next to the petrol station."  
"I'll be there. Go home and catch some sleep, Greg."  
"She won't make it easy on us, Sofia."  
"No, she's way too private for that." Sofia left the Starbucks and walked to her car, Sara on her mind. She was a lonely girl, the brunette. Wasn't it sad that she hit so much? Tried to keep people out of her private life? Why? Who hurt her, who did something bad to her, so that she didn't trust her colleagues, her friends, anymore? Or at all.   
So Lonely girl, tell a tale for me   
Cuz I'm wondering how you really feel   
I'm a lonely girl, I'll tell a tale for you   
Cuz I'm just tryin' to make all my dreams come true  
Yes, she was a lonely girl herself. Didn't tell anybody what she felt about Sara, hell it took her an eternity until she confessed herself, she had feelings for the brunette. Why didn't she tell Greg what she really felt for Sara? If anybody understood her, it was him. He was her friend and still, she didn't let him know about her feelings, like she didn't tell Sara. Looked like they were both lonely girls.   
But when whoever sent the brunette the text messages, was a secret lover, then Sofia was the only lonely girl in this story. 

Split personality

Dinner with Sara and Greg. There had been many days when Sofia wished she had dinner with Sara before they went to work. Only the two of them, candle lights, getting lost in the brown eyes of the brunette, forgetting the world around them…so much for the dream, the reality looked slightly different. No dinner together and if Greg hadn't asked her to join them, Sofia had dinner home alone. Why did she not bring up the nerves to ask Sara for something simple like dinner together? It didn't have to be a date - officially - just a dinner of colleagues, friends. She had dinner with other people too, why was it this complicated with Sara?   
"You know, Justice, I will have dinner tonight with Sara." The only one who knew everything about her crush on Sara was Justice. Her kitten listened to it almost every day and Sofia was impressed, he hasn't turned his back on her and walked away, when she started talking about the brunette again. "Means, it's a reason to celebrate and we…" Something rang outside. "There is your dinner! I'm back in a second." She jogged out of her apartment. Once a week a truck with fresh food from a farm outside Vegas came in front of her house, sold products they manufactured and harvested there. When she had dinner with Sara (and Greg), her kitten deserved some good meat. With a big steak for herself and a small one, already ready to eat for Justice, she came back inside, opened her mailbox, got a couple of letters out and went back in her apartment.   
"Wanna be a real tiger? Here, kill the steak!" Without cutting the meat in small pieces, she dropped it on the floor. Justice took and carried it away. Her tiger and his prey. All right, the prey was cooked, he didn’t kill it, but it was kind of hard for a kitten to kill a cow. Even when he felt like a tiger, he didn't have the size of a tiger.   
Her mail dropped on the floor when Sofia saw an envelope. SOFIA, written in capital letters. How was this possible? No stamp, no address, only her name. How could her secret admirer or letter writer know where she lived? It had to be a person, who knew her good. Or looked her address up, which wasn't difficult for a cop. Nor for a CSI.   
"Justice, there's another of these envelopes. Do you feel watched too? A little bit spooky."  
She opened the envelope carefully.   
I do not trust, so I cannot love  
Oh no no no  
And I would not dare to open up  
Well my rent's past due and now my car won't start, I hate the bus  
Tell me what do they see when they look at me  
Do they see my many personalities  
Another P!nk song. Not a single, but she recognized it. I don not trust, I cannot love. Again, this reminded her of Sara, well everything did. But the brunette was very suspicious, did not trust them, like when it came to the secret text messages. I cannot love? Hopefully she could love. Love Sofia. I won't dare to open up. Yeah, she was very private, didn't let anybody really know her. And so did Sofia. She didn't dare to open up to Sara, tell her how she felt.   
Can you help me  
Does anybody hear me  
Can they even see me  
This is my reality, oh oh  
Can you help me? Did this mean the sender of this letter wanted her to help? It would be easier to know, who sent her all these envelopes so she could help. Otherwise, how was she supposed to help? Sofia heard/saw the letters, but she had no idea what to do. No fingerprints and she was sure, when she dust the envelope and the paper, there weren't any. How was she supposed to see whoever was behind this? When the envelopes were left in her locker or the mailbox, when Sofia wasn't around, had no chance to see the writer.   
Split personality was the title of this song. After she hoped these letters were written by Sara, she wondered, what the song and the title should tell her. Sofia didn't believe the brunette was a typical split personality, not in the medical way. Not a Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde type. There was no beast inside Sara, ready to come out and kill people.   
But there were two sides of Sara Sidle. The one side, the side she showed them all, the tough investigator, who worked hard cases, caught bad people and knew how to read evidence better than many other people. The professional CSI, the scientist, the woman, who helped others, made the wrong right. And the private Sara Sidle, the one she hit so none of her colleague could see her. The one, who had a catchy and happy song on her cell phone, who smiled at text messages, suffered with the victims, had sad eyes when she was sure nobody watched her. Sofia had seen them, once or twice. Sad brown eyes, that made her feel like her heart broke instantly.   
"What am I supposed to do, Justice? I've no idea who sent these envelopes, I've got a wish, who did it, but I can be wrong. And when I'm wrong…I sound absolutely ridiculous, don't I? I can't go to Sara and say: hey, thanks for the ticket and why don't you talk to me? Why these messages? There's a…quite big possibility, that she has nothing to do with these envelopes, especially when she dates somebody else…gosh, did you hear how my heart broke when I said that? Sara dates somebody else. Ouch, it hurts. The good thing is, I've no idea if she really does, maybe Greg and me are wrong…anyway, if she has nothing to do with the envelopes and I act like she does, she will think I'm crazy and won't talk to me anymore. Or worse, thinks I'm in love with her…yeah I know it's the truth, but…you don't know Sara…not in person, she can get really angry and I'm not sure how she reacts when she finds out what I feel for her.   
So, what can I do?" She looked at her kitten. Talking about split personalities, she, talking to her kitten, discussing her not existing relationship life and secret crush on her colleague with it, talking to it like she wanted a real answer, wasn't normal, was it? Luckily nobody heard her, knew how crazy she was. Only Justice and he was a good tiger, didn't tell anybody about her craziness.   
"You're right, I should do something…what about when I talk about these envelopes during dinner? Bring it up like, hey something really strange happened to me, I found an envelope with my name in my locker and guess what, a ticket to P!nk was inside. Crazy, isn't it? I've no idea who was so kind, but I'm really happy somebody made it possible for me to see her. I don't have to bring up the other envelopes, do I?"  
Justice looked up from his steak for a second before he continued to eat.   
"Right, if I tell them about all envelopes, Greg will ask a lot of questions, possible wants to see them and I…I don’t feel comfortable sharing them with him. If they are from Sara…I should let her know how happy she made me and that I want to thank whoever gave the ticket to me. When Greg tells her, we want to find out who sent the envelope…it might scare her away…might stop her from giving them to me…I sound like it's a fact she leaves them behind. It's only my wishful thinking.   
Life can be very complicated. In my next life I become a cat and in case you'll be a human, I hope I'm your cat and you're as nice to me as a human, as you are as a cat."  
Sofia got up. Time to get dressed for dinner…dressed, hah, she couldn't get dressed. First of all she wasn't sure if she was welcome and second, the next stop after dinner was work, she had to look like any other day she arrived at the department, not like she came from some kind of date. It wasn't a date…only dinner…

Dinner minus one

Sofia was deliberately five minutes too late, so Sara and Greg had a short time for themselves. This way Greg had the time to tell the brunette about their dinner partner and - even when this didn't work in her hands - she was sure Greg had a crush on Sara too and he deserved a few minutes with her alone. If Sofia had to lose Sara, or more, didn't get Sara, because the brunette wanted Greg, it was the possibility, that hurt less than any others. Greg was a great man, a nice man and when he was the lucky one, to be in Sara's heart, he deserved it. Nevertheless, unless the brunette didn't say she wanted Greg, this was an open but fair fight and Sofia would do whatever she could to get Sara.   
"Hey, sorry I'm late." She smiled and checked if there was any anger or disapproval in Sara's eyes. Dark brown eyes looked at her, not surprised, not mad. Greg must have told her and it seemed like Sara was okay with Sofia around. Very good, a small victory. "I hope you're fine with me here." Better get her approval than assuming she had it.   
"As long as the two of you won't try to stick your nose in businesses that aren't your business I'm fine." The smile Sara sent her was also a little warning. If they wanted to find out more about the secret text messages, they had to be very, very careful.   
"You made it obvious, you don't want us in your private life."  
"Good. Greg?"  
"Absolutely clear…but just to make it very clear, with your private life you mean your relationship life, not your hobbies or which book you read last."  
"You know what I mean, don't play dumb."  
"We can investigate something about my private life." Sofia said and was surprised about her own words. Okay, apparently her subconscious decided she wanted to talk about the envelope and the ticket. Great. Hopefully her subconscious knew what it was doing.   
"Like what?" The brunette asked.   
"Like an envelope I found in my locker. So crazy, I tried for weeks to get tickets for P!nk and her concert at the MGM Grand, didn't succeed and the morning of the concert, I found an envelope in my locker, my name on it and a ticket to the concert inside. No note, no name left, nothing. Isn't that crazy?"  
"A secret admirer." Greg grinned. "Somebody wants to impress you."  
"Not a very smart somebody." Sara commented dryly.   
"Why?"  
"Greg, how can he impress her when there's no name written down? Now Sofia is impressed with somebody and whoever left her the ticket, doesn't the credit he deserves."  
What buggered Sofia more was the fact how easy and comfortable Sara was with this. No jealousy, no awkwardness. Like she heard about it for the first time, had no idea this happened. Had Sofia hoped for a little blush, a tiny sign in the brunette's eyes when she mentioned the envelope, she was disappointed. Nothing. No reaction at all, that told her, Sara had anything to do with the envelopes. Another disappointment.   
"True. Do you still have no evidence about who left it there?"  
"No, nothing. No fingerprints, all I know, the secret person has been in the department at one point between me start my shift and end it. A couple of hours, a lot of people. The famous needle in a haystack."  
"When you get another one, you should install a camera over your locker."  
"I'm sure my colleague will enjoy the fact I make videos of them changing, Greg."   
"True. What about putting something on the locker? Paint. Or anything else, that tells you, this person was at your locker."  
"You don't have to touch the locker to leave an envelope in it."  
"Bugger…what else can you do…got an idea, Sara?"  
"Not really. Tried it with a note? A thank you note in the break room. Maybe it helps for whoever to step forward."  
"Like, thanks and I'd like to return the favor? Can I buy you dinner?"  
"For example."  
"Sure, Sofia offers to have dinner with a person, she doesn't know, she'll get more than one guy answering this note. I bet there are a lot of men, who want to have dinner with you. Possible even women. I'd answer you, even when you know, it wasn't me."  
"Who said you're off the suspect list, Sanders?" Sofia grinned.   
"Because, as much as I like you, if I had a ticket for P!nk, I'd keep it for myself."  
"Maybe you had two."  
"No, I worked, I had no ticket at all. I wish I had." He paused for a few seconds. "You had the night off, didn't you?"  
"I did." Sara said in a matter of fact voice. "I had a really nice evening and I've never been a fan of her music. Sorry Greggo."  
"Whoever got me the ticket was a lucky person, it was hard to get them. Only fan club member could buy them, when they were released for the rest of the city, they were all gone. The only way for us to get one was win it in the radio, which I didn't. So my secret envelope giver is a fan club member or a lucky winner."  
"Who has the time to sit in front of the radio, wait for these shows to win a ticket and dial their number all the time until you're through and won. You're looking for somebody with a lot of time on his hands, in case he won the tickets." Sara sipped on her coffee.   
"Can't be somebody working law enforcement." Sofia sighed. Worse, it couldn't be Sara. The brunette didn't like the music a lot, so why should she be in the fan club, plus she wasn't the kind of person, who tried to win tickets on the radio - for a singer, she wasn't very fond of. Suddenly it wasn't that important anymore to find out, who sent the envelopes.   
Sara's cell phone rang, the melody of 'Mister Blue Sky' came out of her pocket.   
"Sorry." The look she gave Greg made it clear, he better didn't comment on the text message. Quietly she read it, never changed the look on her face before she looked up. "I'm sorry, I've to leave. Something urgent came up."  
"Anything bad?" Sofia asked concerned. Yes, they said, they won't stick their noses in Sara's private life, but when the brunette ended the evening after a text message, it was quite normal to ask what was wrong.   
"No, actually something really nice, nevertheless I've to go. I'm sorry, we'll do this again. Sorry. I might see you both later at a scene." Sara dropped some money on the table and left the diner.   
Irritated and surprised Greg and Sofia starred at her until they couldn't see her anymore.   
"What was that?" Greg asked.   
"Something urgent, but not bad." Sofia blinked a few times. This was odd.   
"Do you think she'd leave us here because of somebody else? A boyfriend?"  
"I don't hope so." The thought hurt, made her feel sick. Somebody was important enough for Sara to leave them here alone. She planed the dinner with them, planed to be with them, or at least Greg, and then she left after receiving a message. A good one. Usually the bad ones made you leave.   
"Even when we pretend for a moment it's a boyfriend - and I really hate this idea because I don't believe there's a guy out, who deserves her - why did she leave us? She knew we wanted to have dinner, planned it. I don't think Sara is the kind of woman, who drops everything and leave because a man calls for her."  
"No, I don't believe it neither. It must be something else." No boyfriend, please. Let it be something else, something else positive, not a boyfriend.   
"Do you think she has a boyfriend?"  
"I don't hope so!" Ups, why did she say this? What kind of craziness drove her to say these words out loud? Did she lose it completely? I don't hope so. There was nothing wrong with thinking these words, but saying the out loud? Why didn't she put a sticker on her forehead, saying, she was in love with Sara Sidle? When she was obvious she could be very obvious.   
"Why?"  
"Like you said, the only man, who deserves her, are you." God, that was good. The only chance for her to get out of this number.   
"Thanks." He smiled and thought about her words, probably dreaming of him and Sara together. Who could blame him for it? "If she decides to date a woman, I hope it's you."  
Wham! If her head was a red as it felt, she looked like a nuclear tomato. Out of the blue her body temperature increased and felt like two-hundred and twelve degrees, her blood cooked and there had to be steam coming out of her ears. This was worse than a sticker on her forehead.   
"Why me?" Did her voice sound as strange to him as it sounded to her? She needed some water. To drink, cool down and extinct herself.   
"Because you're the coolest and woman I know. I think you could make her happy."  
All right, she should drop dead now. Or lie because everything else would lend to him seeing how much in love she was. Sofia, the lovefool.   
"I'm not sure she thinks the same, but I'm glad we can sit at one table and talk without getting bitchy like it was in the beginning."  
"You were both nightmares, real bitches, but she was worse than you."  
"Well, it's the past, so lets forget it. This evening was supposed to give us answers, instead we've got more questions and we were left by her. Not a success."  
"Look on the bright side: she said, we'll have dinner another day, we get a second chance."   
Sofia smiled. He was right. There would be another evening with Sara and this time with dinner. At least that was the plan. 

Complicated

Sofia closed her eyes and felt the heat and wetness, how her body relaxed and she relaxed and the burden of the last long night fell off her shoulders. Ten hours without a break on her foot, a lot of witnesses, suspects and a crime scene with millions of different things. A big supermarket had been robbed, one man was dead, one critical injured, many people in hospital for various wounds. A gang of five men entered the supermarket after midnight, shot an at the moment not counted amount of bullets into the aisles, security cameras, destroyed bottles and glass, which injured people, took the money from the check-outs, killed the manager, who activated the alarm system, shot a clerk and was gone. the descriptions she got went from they all looked like Mike Tyson to Michael Air Jordan to Danny DeVitto. Basically all men in Las Vegas were their suspects now.   
Her bathtub was the only place in her apartment, that could get any of the tensions off her, make her relax and get the head clear, so she had a chance to sleep. A glass of red wine rather than a beer, a slice of cake instead of her usual breakfast, this morning was a special morning, she needed to treat herself in order to remind herself, there were good things in the world too. One these good things just entered the bathroom, walked to the bathtub and sat on the edge, watching her soaking and relaxing.   
"I'd offer you to join me in here, but you're not the biggest fan of the bathtub and there isn't enough space for a water fight." She opened her eyes and looked straight into the eyes of Justice. Her kitten sat on the towel, watched her and kept a certain distance to the water. He had never been scared of water, but kept his distance to make sure, he didn't end up in the hot water. When he was younger he once fell into the tub, trying to play with the foam and wasn't impressed with this experience.   
"Sara left dinner before we had anything to eat, she got a text, a positive one she said, and left. Does this make any sense to you? No? To me neither. I wonder who sends her messages all the time…actually I'm not sure if I want an answer. The idea of knowing there is somebody in Sara's life, who means a lot to her, makes her smile, happy and has her love, hurts…a lot. But the evidence points towards this." The blonde bit on her lips. Was she fighting with tears? This wasn't what she needed, she needed some good news, something to look forward to. A Sara in love with somebody else wasn't good. It was good for Sara, made her happy, but it hurt too much, made it impossible for Sofia not to be selfish.   
"Greg said, if Sara falls for a woman, he hopes it's me, I could make her happy. I hope my face wasn't as red as it felt. It was a cute thing to say, he likes Sara just as much as I do and we're both kind of rivals when it comes to Sara…he has no idea about my feelings and not that his nor my feelings matter, because it's all in Sara's hands. She decides, she knows about Greg and his feelings, how couldn't she? He had always been open about it. I envy him for that, he can talk openly about his feelings, doesn't hide behind a cool mask, not like I do. Does it make me weak?"   
Justice cocked his head like he thought about her words. What a good listener.   
"There was no new envelope in my locker nor in the mailbox. We talked about the ticket yesterday, to me it didn't look like Sara knew about it. She was surprised, didn't blush and didn't act like I caught her. Can she be such a good actress? Then she left…but said, we'll all have dinner again. Another dinner with Sara. Or, a first dinner with Sara, we didn't have dinner together.   
Justice, I've no idea what to do. Not about Sara and not about the envelopes. Is it a good idea to tell her what I feel? She's an adult, adults don't laugh at your face when you tell them, you have feelings for them and she has no reason to get mad…I think. Can you tell me why I fell for Sara and not for somebody else?"  
The kitten shook his head, got up to stretch before he sat down again.   
"Yeah, right, she's the best. I always wanted the best and that's her. And the best isn't easy to get, you have to work hard and a fight a lot. You should meet her, I think you like her. She's a huge animal lover, unlike us a vegetarian and…why am I telling you this? You know it anyway, I told you dozen times before. Sorry." The blonde breathed in and slipped forward so her head vanished in the water. Not see, not hear, not talk and still Sara on her mind.   
"How possible is it that she agrees on dinner with me? I mean here, in our place, Justice. Does it sound odd when I invite her? Or is it nothing special? Do I make things more complicated than they are? Probably, but I don't want to do anything wrong, I've no…idea what's right and what's wrong when it comes to Sara. My heart tells me, invite her, get her in your apartment, tell her the truth, get real answers and my head says, don't ask for too much, give her time, let her do the first step, you will scare her away, annoy her, when you want too much. But what if she thinks the same? Wants me to do the first step?"  
Justice got up, stretched again, looked at her and jumped off the bathtub. It looked like he had heard enough and wanted Sofia to make her own decisions.   
"Yeah, leave me alone, I'd be annoyed too if I were in your shoes. Paws. Me and my stupid love problems. All I need are some guts, talk to her and then I know where I stand. Easy to say as long as I'm here alone, impossible when I see her. Hopeless case." She slipped down again.   
Her cell phone rang. From the ring tone she knew it was her mother calling. With a sighed the blonde stayed in the tub. She didn't have the nerves to talk to her mother. The captain was awake, would ask a lot of question and hear, something was wrong with her. Then she had to come up with a good story, a true one because her mother smelled every lie, which would make her decide between telling her about Sara or the envelopes. When she told her about the envelopes, her mother would start her own investigation and Sofia didn't want this. She wanted to find out who left them and why. She was a cop and as good as her mother. It was not the business of the older woman.   
And she told her about Sara…Sofia didn't want to think about this. Her mother asked for grandchildren since Sofia was twenty-five. Whenever she dated a man, or her mother saw her talking to one, a colleague, a friend, she had the idea, this was Sofia's man of her dreams, her future son-in-law, the father of her grandchildren. With every year the blonde got older, it got worse, she didn't dare to talk to unmarried colleagues anymore when her mother was around and when she talked to married ones, her mother mentioned later, the marriages wasn't a happy one, maybe he was available soon and Sofia should really find a husband soon. After all, she wasn't in her twenties anymore and needed to hurry, when she wanted many children. The thing was, the blonde didn't want any children and she didn't want a husband, not at the moment. All she wanted was Sara and this for a while, but she doubted her mother would understand her. So it was better to ignore her call and tell her later, she was in the bathtub and couldn't answer the call.   
But now it was time to get ready for bed and another night. Hopefully she got a case with Sara and a new date for their dinner…a dinner date…it could be all so good if it wasn't this complicated. This reminded her of another song, this time not of P!nk: Why you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated. She made everything complicated and the way she acted got her very frustrated. 

Long way to happy

After half an hour on the phone with her mother, avoiding topics she didn't want to talk about, the blonde went to her mailbox. This time she checked for an envelope first and was disappointed, when her mailbox was empty. No new message, no other chance to find out, who was behind these messages. Because Greg didn't send her a text message about meeting before work, she drove straight to the police department. Time for new cases and hopefully a night without dead bodies.   
A nice case, maybe a B&E with nobody hurt, only a few things stolen, together with Sara. Time to work the scene, spend the break together and finish the shift with a closed case and a breakfast. Breakfast, that was a good idea. She could ask the brunette to have breakfast with her. Only them…at least when they worked a case together…it could be their way of finishing the night, a coffee, some eggs and toast and a good way to start in the day. Yes, if they worked a case together, she'd get the nerves to do this, ask Sara out for breakfast.   
When she opened her locker an envelope fell on the floor. Immediately the blonde looked around to make sure, nobody saw her when she picked it up. Like all the others, only her name was written on it. All right, she needed a quiet place to read the new message. Not the break room, too many people around, not the lady's room…her car. She had another half an hour before she had to start her shift. Not bothering with fingerprints she opened the envelope. A white sheet of paper, a song text printed with a laser printer.   
One night to you  
Lasted six weeks for me  
Just a bitter little pill now  
Just to try to go to sleep  
No more waking up to innocence  
Say hello to hesitance  
To everyone I meet  
Thanks to you years ago  
I guess I'll never know  
What love means to me, but, oh  
I'll keep on rolling down this road  
But I've got a bad, bad feeling  
One night to you? This sounded like she had a one night stand and this person sent her the messages…did she have a one night stand? No, that she could recall it…not for a while and certainly not with a colleague. That was off limit and a colleague was the only person, who could get to her locker. Still, no, impossible, there hadn't been anything like a one night stand with one of them. Why should she do that? She wasn't interested in anyone of them - except Sara and the brunette was way too precious to be a one night stand.   
But these lines sounded like she broke somebody's heart and this person couldn't fall in love anymore. Impossible. There hadn't been a one night stand and also not a six weeks relationship. Not since…college? She didn't work with a college boyfriend and they couldn't get to her locker. Besides, she was the one, who was in love with somebody, who had no interested in her. So if this envelope wasn't of Sara, there was a person out there, who felt like Sofia, but because of Sofia. She didn't want anybody feel bad or sad because of her.   
It's gonna take a long time to love  
It's gonna take a lot to hold on  
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah  
Left in the pieces that you broke me into  
Torn apart but now I've got to  
Keep on rolling like a stone  
Cause it's gonna be a long, long way to happy  
It takes a long time to love. Yes, it took some time until she fell in love with Sara, took some time until she was ready to adjust her feelings to herself. It took a lot to hold? Maybe, she wasn't this far, had nobody to hold, so yes, it was a long way to happiness. If she ever reached the goal happiness. Happiness meant, she was with Sara and the brunette was as far away from her as a polar bear from a penguin. Was she broken? Broken hearted, yes, especially since she suspected Sara was in a happy relationship and she lost her before she ever had a chance to have her. So again, this could be about her. About Sara? Not when she was as happy as she seemed to be and really was in love.   
Left my childhood behind  
In a roll-away bed  
Everything was so damn simple  
Now I'm losing my head  
Trying to cover up the damage  
And pad out all the bruises  
She wasn't sure what to do with these lines. I left my childhood behind, did it mean, the person left their hometown? This pointed towards Sara, the brunette left San Francisco, but why should she lose her head? And which bruises? Did anything happen to her? In her past, in her childhood? Or the bruises of the unreturned love? If so, she knew a thing or two about this thing.  
Now I'm numb as hell, and I can't feel a thing   
I just want to thank you  
Thank you  
From the bottom of my heart  
For all the sleepless nights  
And for tearing me apart, yeah, yeah  
Again, this sounded like she hurt somebody. Badly. Did she hurt Sara? Not that she was aware of it and if so, she wanted to know so she could make up for it. It wasn't on purpose and she was truly sorry. And she was also sorry when these words came from somebody else, she never wanted to hurt somebody - except for the idiot of boyfriend, who cheated on her in high school. He deserved it.   
Great, now she was still clueless and felt guilty for something she had no idea if she ever did it and what she maybe did. So, where did this leave her? What could she do next? She had no idea and the only good thing was, she could push these thoughts aside and go to work now. The next case would take her mind of the envelope and when she got the B&E with Sara, she could ask her out for breakfast. Breakfast after shift…for a nightshift person it was the same like dinner after the nine to five job…wow, she would asked the brunette for a date!   
Maybe.

Loser of the year

Not a B&E, not a case with Sara, Sofia worked a case with Warrick and Nick in a casino, far away from Sara, far away from the chance to ask her out after work. The good thing was, Nick and Warrick were very talkative when it came to the secret text messages Sara received. Both men had various - crazy - ideas about who sent them. Interesting was also the way Sara met whoever was writing her. Both men were sure, the brunette wasn't the kind of woman, who went out on her nights off and searched for men in night clubs. She was more a geek, so was this person a professor? Maybe Sara met a university or college professor while she was in a library and they exchanged hot messages about strange things like astrophysics.   
Or it was a colleague, who worked nightshift too. One by one they talked their colleagues through, all male of course, who could be Sara's secret lover. Sofia wasn't sure if Hodges or Larry, one of the swing shift guys, who was a lot like Hodges, was the craziest idea. Sara and Hodges, never ever. They both didn't think it was Greg, their young colleague was obvious in love with Sara, or at least very interested, but he wasn't her type. Not Greg but Hodges? Sofia had been close to ask them, if they were serious. At least they dropped the idea of hacking into Sara's phone call list.   
Unsure what to do with her morning, breakfast at home or in a diner, she stood in front of the department, watched the sky. Blue Sky. Another beautiful day in Las Vegas, with high temperatures. Soon they'd feel the weather in their cases, crime rates went up when it was hot and with a forecast of over a hundred and ten for this afternoon, a lot of people were likely to lose their mind - and unfortunately others their lives.   
"Sun is shinning in the sky, there ain't a cloud in sight…"  
Oh, this reminded her of Sara, she was even sure, she could hear this song right now. Maybe she started to lose her mind.   
"Are you waiting for aliens or why are you staring at the sun?"  
For a second Sofia forgot to breathe. There was Sara and she grinned when she saw Sofia and the, probably very stupid, face she made.   
"Uhm no, I thought about how hot it's supposed to get today and how much work this might mean. You know, the hot weather and the increasing crime rates."  
"You're off the clock, don't you want to think about something else than crime?"  
Oh, she wanted and did. A lot. Most times her thoughts were with her, Sara, but this wasn't a smart thing to say. No, not at all. Breakfast on the other hand was a good idea. Didn't she kind of promise herself, she'd ask Sara out for breakfast? Well, here was the brunette, here was her chance, served on a silver tray, all she had to do was get some nerves and grab the chance. One time only chance maybe.   
"Breakfast." Oh great. One word. How about a whole sentence?   
"Sounds like a nice idea, I'm hungry too."  
Say you want to have breakfast with her, damn it. An easier chance than this wasn't possible. Sara was hungry, they both wanted breakfast, all Sofia had to do was ask her to join her. Not that difficult. Open your mouth and say: Why don't we have breakfast together? I know a nice place, where you get really good coffee and eggs. See, not difficult, she had the sentence ready to use, all she had to do was say it loud. Come on, open your mouth, move your lips and tongue and…lips and tongue, she had also a few other ideas, what she could do with these parts of her body. Really good ideas…and they all had Sara in the center of her…imagination. Her lips on Sara's skin, her lips touching Sara's, her tongue playing with the brunette's, writing little love messages on the whole body of the other woman…  
"I see you later. Don't get lost in your thoughts on your way home."   
No! This was wrong! Don't go, don't leave. Damn it Sofia, do something, say something. Your chance is about to…"Thanks, see you later." Great. Precious. She was such a heroine. An anti heroine. See you later? Not later, now. She wanted to have breakfast with Sara and not watch her walk away. Away from her, from the breakfast together, away from the nice fantasy in Sofia's head…and this was all she had left. Sara got into her car and took off, while she, Sofia, still stood here like an idiot and starred after her car. She blew it. How could one person be this stupid? So close, so close to a breakfast with Sara. Alone. The chance to talk to her, be with her. And what did she do? Nothing! If anybody was looking for the loser of the year, it was her. 

After a detour with loud music and screaming how stupid she was, what a brainless idiot, what a coward bitch, she came home, put on her headphones and turned the music loud while she dropped on her bed.   
You make me wanna shut it all down  
Throw it all away  
'Cause I'm nothing if I don't have you  
What's the point of being on top  
All the money in the world  
If I can't blow it all on you  
So, send the cars back  
Put the house on the market  
And my big dreams, too  
'Cause it's all so clear  
That without you here  
I'm the loser of the year  
The loser of the year, that was her. No doubt about it. How half-assed could one person be? So close. All she had to do were say eight words: Would you like to have breakfast with me? Not difficult words, nothing complicated, easy, a kindergarten child could say it. A high school girl could ask her secret crush and she, Sofia Curtis, detective Sofia Curtis, was too chicken to say these eight words. They weren't even words of asking Sara out for a date. No, they could have been friendly words, both were hungry, when colleagues realized, both were hungry, they went out for breakfast, lunch, dinner, whatever, when both had the time. But no, stupid little Sofia had to blew it, had to swallow her tongue and stand there, stare, say goodbye instead of join me for breakfast. The stupidity prize of the year was hers.   
I'm nothing if I don't have you. Yeah, she also was nothing without Sara, how true this was she proved a few minutes ago, when she wasn't able to talk. See you later. When? When she worked up the nerves to ask her to have dinner/breakfast with her? The way it looks, this time would never come. Breakfast sounds like a nice idea, I'm hungry too. Sara couldn't be more obvious, couldn't give her a better chance. This was like standing in front of an empty goal on a soccer field, no goal keeper, no other player around, only her and the ball and she kicked it into the sky.   
"Loser! Loser! Loser!" She hit with her fist on her pillows. "Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! I'm such a big idiot! I don't deserve to be happy when I mess things up this big. How stupid can it get? See you later. Yeah, in my dreams, the only place I'll ever have Sara. In my dreams, that's it. Only in my wet dreams, great. Like a stupid school girl. I hate myself! I hate how stupid I am! I hate me! I'm nothing!" Tears ran down her face. Why was she so stupid? Why did she mess up everything? Why? Why did she put up with herself when she was too stupid for everything? Why should she waste any more energy in herself, when obviously she wasn't worth it. Such a loser. The best thing was she would just drop dead, nobody would miss her anyway. Not her parents, after she didn't give them the grandchildren they wanted and not Sara, who had somebody else on her mind. She was disposable. To everybody.   
Sudden weight on her back made her flinch, little paws walked to her head, got next to her head and licked her ear. Very concerned eyes looked at her.   
"I'm sorry Justice." She turned and pulled her kitten in her arms. She wasn't disposable, not to everybody. Right here was somebody, who loved her a lot. More than anybody else: Justice, he deserved a better mom, a mom who wasn't a pansy, but the fact was, he wanted nobody else than her. To her little tiger, she was the first choice. He loved her and needed her. And he cared about her. Like now. From wherever he came here, jumped on her back, made her stop crying and get the attention away from how stupid she was to how important she was. To him. He never disappointed her and the way he looked at her, she never disappointed him. He alone was enough reason to continue, to continue fight, live and give herself another chance. She couldn't be that bad when he loved her.   
"I really blew it today. There was this chance, this really huge chance, to have breakfast with Sara and I was unable to speak. Can you imagine? This never happened to me in high school. Why can't I talk to Sara, ask her to have breakfast with me? I mean, the worst thing that could have happened was, she had no time or said no for another reason, means I had breakfast on my own. Now, that I didn't ask, I will have breakfast on my own because I'm too stupid. No chance of a yes. I had nothing to lose and lost everything. Not a successful day. Plus I got a new message, one that confuses me. I guess I need some help for this, otherwise I'll never solve this mystery. Got any ideas? Not my mother, please."  
Justice looked at her and if Sofia didn't know it better, she'd say her kitten grinned at her. Like the Chesire Cat in Alice in Wonderland. She should get some sleep, her brain and her body weren't working properly anymore. Justice the Chesire Cat, the next thing happened was, she fell into a rabbit hole…

Sofia in Wonderland

Rushed because she slept in Sofia sat opposite of Greg in Starbucks. Her six hours of sleep were everything but recreative. She dreamed she was Alice in Wonderland, fell into the rabbit hole and chased the Queen of Hearts. Her queen of hearts wasn't an evil woman, she was a woman everybody wanted, Sara, and she fought the hatter for her. Justice was Chesire Cat and followed her all the time, a spooky grin and some mean comments about how easier she could have had it all, if she had asked Sara for breakfast. Not rested, with sleepy eyes she sipped on her coffee. Tonight she needed a lot of the black magical drink to get through the night.   
"You look like shit." Greg commented dryly.   
"Thanks, I'm glad to see you too."   
"What made you look like this? Trouble at work?"  
"No, bad stupid dreams. I was Alice in Wonderland and had a fight with the hatter." Who looked like Greg, now that she thought about it. Greg was the hatter and they both fought for Sara. Crazy. And yet, it made sense.   
"The hatter? Weren't Alice and hatter friends? I think there's even a version, in which borh fall in love."  
Her and Greg in love? Didn't sound right, but nobody else but Sara sounded right for her. "I can't remember, in my dreams they…well, they didn't fight because they hated each other, they both wanted the same thing, it was more a competition."  
"Are you fighting for a promotion with somebody? Am I talking to the future lieutenant Curtis?"  
"No!" She was happy as a detective, had no intentions to become a lieutenant. A promotion, a higher rank meant more stress at work and she had more than enough problems with her private life and her feelings, didn't need something else to ruin her already poor sleep.   
"Your mother would love this idea."  
"My mother?" Yes, she'd love the idea, but how did he get captain Curtis on his mind?  
"Yes, I talked to her last night, worked a case with her. She told me, she worries about you, you're still not married, not even a boyfriend and she really wants grandchildren."  
Sofia sighed and buried her face in her hands. This couldn't be true. Wasn't it bad enough her mother told her those things all the time, did she have to tell it the whole world?   
"And then she asked if I'm single and why don't I date you. I seem to be a nice guy, a good law enforcement man and even when I'm not a cop, she'd be happy to invite us both over for dinner - which she did for Sunday." Greg grinned.   
"No! Please tell me this is not true!" How bad could it get? Her mother arranged dates for her. With Greg. Okay, he was the best choice, if she had to pick a man, she wanted to bring home for dinner with her parents, it was the young CSI, he was a friend and understood, that he was a friend and nothing more, plus he didn't want her, so Greg was perfect, but how could her mother do this to her?   
"All true. We're up for a dinner date tomorrow night."  
"I want to die. Please, take my weapon and shoot me. Have mercy, end my torture, please. I write down that I wanted it this way, that you only did, what I begged you to do."  
"It's a torture to have dinner with me? Thanks Sofia."  
"It's a torture to have dinner with my parents for both of us. You know they, or mom, will try to set us up. That's the only reason for her to invite us, she desperately wants grandchildren and now she tries everything to get me married and pregnant. You're her newest victim. Didn't you tell her you're not interested in me?"  
"I wasn't sure she wanted to hear this."  
"No, she didn't, but it's the truth."  
"Yeah but how am I supposed to know you're not in love with me? Maybe you told your mother to set us up because you're too shy to ask me yourself."  
She stared blank at him. Was he joking? She seriously hoped so. Otherwise…no, he wasn't joking, he was slightly amused, but the question had been serious. And after she was too stupid to ask Sara for breakfast this morning, how could she be mad when Greg thought, she was too chicken to ask him out for dinner.   
"You were the hatter in my dream."  
"We fought? What for?"  
Should she tell him? If she did…she was out of the 'maybe you want to date me' thing and he knew why she wanted to know, whom Sara saw, or who sent her all the messages. Wasn't it only fair to play with open cards after they worked together on their Rubia Elo case. And he would understand her, more than anybody else.   
"The Queen of Hearts."  
"We fought for the Queen of Hearts? In the same army?"  
"No, we both wanted her…guess who the Queen of Hearts was."   
"Uhm…I've no idea…I've no idea who your Queen of Hearts is, when I recall the story correctly, she was an evil woman, my personal Queen of hearts is a lovely woman, adorable, not evil."  
"Your Queen of Hearts is Sara."   
"Yes."  
"And so…" Screw it, it was time for the truth. If she blew the breakfast because she was too chicken, she shouldn't blew the next chance to come clear she had. All or nothing, otherwise she'd find herself angry with herself again. "And so is mine." Her eyes stayed on his, trying to read his mind. He didn't look shocked or irritated. It was the first time she saw something like a poker face on him.   
"I knew it."  
That's all. All he had to say? And how did he know? Was she this obvious? Please not, when he knew, Sara might knew too and the rest of the guys…she better left town ASAP if everybody knew. An open secret in the police department was no secret at all and when her mother heard this…Sara and Sofia better left town fast and go far, far away…together!   
"How?"  
"Why else would you want to know, who is the secret person, who sends her the messages."  
"Warrick and Nick also want to know."  
"Yeah, in another way. Plus I saw it the way you smiled at her, how disappointed you were when she left while we were together for dinner. I'm a CSI, I can read evidence."  
And she was a bad cop, had no poker face.   
"Shocked?"  
"No, why should I?"  
"I don't know."  
"I can understand your feelings, better than anybody else from our shift. So, we'll fight for the Queen of Hearts?"  
"The Queen of Hearts doesn't seem to be interested in neither one of us."  
"I'm afraid you're right on this one, Alice. Our Queen of Hearts has the next two nights off, left town this morning. There must be somebody else, she wanted to see. The rabbit?"  
"Sara left town?" Didn't she say to Sofia, see you later? She didn't say she'd be away for two night.   
"Yes, she sent me a message around noon, she asked Grissom for two nights off and will be back Monday night. Didn't say why and to where. But a weekend away sounds to me like a date. With somebody, who works from Monday to Friday."  
"Fuck!"   
"Exactly. So what can Hatter and Alice do?"  
"Well…first we'll have dinner with the evil Queen of Hearts, otherwise we're both in trouble. And then we have to make her understand we're not a couple…and can we keep the fact I…I like Sara between us? Please? I'm not ready for anything else."  
"Of course." He took her hands. "My lips are sealed."  
"Thanks. I hope my parents accept the fact we're friends and nothing more."  
"We don't have to tell them the truth."  
"You don't lie to the captain."  
"No, but we can tell her, we're friends, she might not accept this, might want to change it, but it's up to us to keep her on a distance. No need to tell her why we won't be more than friends. She wants to have dinner with us, if that makes her happy, we have dinner together and that's it."  
"She won't stop there, but yes, we can tell her the truth about our relationship and leave out the rest of the story."  
"Sounds like a solid plan to me. Now we need an equal good plan for Sara. Got one?"  
"Hack into her cell phone records, find her GPS on the phone, locate her, go there and get her away from whoever is with her."  
"Love the ideas and now something we can really do."  
"Ask her where she was, like you do when a friends goes away for a weekend."  
"A friend, who doesn't want to share her private life with other people. Not likely to get us anywhere. Except in trouble."  
"We need some answers otherwise we both go crazy. I rather know what's going on than wonder the whole time. And if she has to date some guy, can it be you? I prefer to lose my Queen of Hearts to the Hatter."  
"Like the Hatter prefers to lose his Queen of Hearts to Alice." He took her hand. "Thanks for telling me the truth, I know it wasn't easy for you."  
"I haven't told anybody before, took me ages to allow myself these feelings and…I'm afraid what happens when the others ever find out. Especially Sara."  
"From my own experience I can tell you, she's quite good with taking declarations of love, if you don't push her to something."  
"Yeah, you're a man, I'm woman. Not the same, more complicated. Why can't life be easy?"  
"Because we're fighter, we have to fight our way through life but in the end we succeed one way or another."   
She hoped he was right. At the moment it didn't feel like she succeed anywhere nor was on a good way to better. There were way too many bad news to be positive. 

Sober

Without the chance of seeing Sara at her scene, Sofia's shift had been longer, or felt longer and lost it's charm. No Sara. Worse, Sara was somewhere with somebody, who made her take two nights off. Somebody important to her. More important than Sofia would ever be. At least that was what she felt and thought now. Add to these negative thoughts the dinner tonight at her parent's place, the three hours she was home late and a traffic jam on her way back. This wasn't a good day, not a good weekend.   
Not very interested she took her mail upstairs, dropped it on the table and sat on the floor. Immediately Justice was there, jumped on her lap and wanted her attention. Or asked how her night was.   
"Oh Justice, you know what? Sara is gone for two nights, took the weekend off to get out of town. You know what that means? There must be somebody, who is important enough to her, to leave out of the blue. My chances to have her are zero point zero. Or less. It's a disaster and I've no idea what to do next. It's like somebody kicked me into a hole and now I'm stuck there, have no chance to get out."  
Her kitten dropped on his back, offered her his belly to pet, which Sofia did. She loved the soft fur there, loved the fact, Justice trusted her enough to offer her this sensitive spot of his body.   
"As if that wasn't enough, my mom invited Greg and me to dinner. She met him at a scene, asked why we don't date, that she wants me married and with kids and now we've to get to her place and have dinner. She'll try everything to set us up. I need something good, something to lighten up my mood."  
Wind came through the open window and blew some of the post down. An envelope landed next to her. The blonde starred at it, her name was written on it in the capital letters, she knew from all the other secret messages she got.   
"If that was a sign of God or whoever, it's not a good one. Sara's gone, means, it can't be her, who left the envelope. Great, say goodbye to your dream of getting secret message of Sara, Sofia. Another dream is over." Not very motivated she opened the envelope.   
I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest  
Or the girl who never wants to be alone  
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning  
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home  
Again she saw Sara in these lines. The brunette also never tried to stick out the crowd, tried to be the center of attention. Like she had no problems to be alone, at least not until she found whoever made her take days off and realized, it was better to be with somebody. Why not Sofia? What did she do wrong, why wasn't she good enough? Was she unlovable? And like in the song, she wasn't home at four in the morning. They both weren't.  
Aahh the sun is blinding  
I stayed up again  
Oohh, I am finding  
That's not the way I want my story to end  
She stayed up again too, they both did it most the times. Well, Sara probably this night not and if she did…Sofia didn't want to think about what the brunette did, why she didn't sleep. Who kept her awake. No, not nice thoughts. Sara in somebody else's arms, she didn't want her story to end like this. She loved happy ends and this was everything but a happy ending. Didn't she deserve a happy end?  
I'm coming down, coming down, coming down  
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round  
Looking for myself - SOBER   
She was down, didn't think it could be worse. All the evidence pointed towards the fact, she lost Sara before she ever had her. Lost the chance ever to be with her. Not only was she unable to ask the brunette for something easy like breakfast together, no she knew now, there was somebody, who had breakfast with Sara this morning. Maybe in bed? Sara in the arms of somebody else, in bed with somebody else. Sofia's world spun around too, more and more and she felt sick, really sick when she pictured Sara in the arms of somebody else. Her stomach seemed to hate the idea too and she…Sofia jumped up, ran into the bathroom and threw up. Yes, she felt really sick. And she was sober.   
Back in the kitchen Justice sat on the sheet of paper, like he wanted to read it too.   
"I never had this before, never made me a thought physically sick. Am I losing it, Justice? Or is it evidence of how much I…I love Sara? I could cry when I think she's with somebody else, could open my window and jump out to get over the pain. I won't do it." She added fast. "I won't let you alone, I love you and I know you need me. When I found you, took you home, I took the responsibility for you and I will give you the life you deserve. Unfortunately I can't offer you a life without me whining at the moment, I'm truly sorry you've to get through all this shit. If I annoy you too much, leave the room, I won't be mad, I understand when you need your silence. It's amazing how you put up with my crap every day. You're really a patient and kind hearted cat, very understanding."  
She sat down and took the paper in her hands. Time to finish the last lines, not that she didn't know how the song ended, but again, it wasn't the complete song lyrics she received, only parts of it.   
When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad  
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had  
I have heard myself cry, never again  
Broken down in agony just tryn find a fit  
It wasn't good anymore, she arrived at bad yesterday. When she blew the chance for breakfast with Sara, when Greg told her about dinner with her parents, when he told her about Sara having two days off, being out of town. So bad. She cried and she was sure she'd cry again, was far away from never again. She was broken down in agony, agony over losing Sara, never having a chance to be with her. How was she supposed to continue her life? A life without Sara seemed to make no sense to her.   
"I lost Sara to somebody else, I lost her as a possible secret writer and I'll lose my mind when I'm at my parent's place tonight. The only good thing of the last hours was Greg's reaction to me telling him, I've a crush on Sara. He knew, he understands, he supports me with my parents." The blonde got up, the kitten in her arms, opened the fridge and got the cat food out. Time to feed her little tiger, he must be hungry after she was away for over twelve hours. The dry food she left him last night was gone.   
"I miss her, Justice. I miss her so much, it hurts. Imagine I will never have her, will never be able to hold her in my arms, kiss her, spend my life with her, makes me sick, hurts like hell. Agony caused by thoughts, is that a mental or a physical problem? Or both? Shall I see a internist or a psychiatrist?"  
Looking into her fridge for her breakfast she realized, she wasn't hungry. Worse, the thought of food made her feel sick again. No food, no coffee. She'd go to bed and hope for some sleep. When she looked as shitty as she did last night, her mother would ask a lot of questions and Sofia had no idea, what to tell her. Not the truth, not why she felt like this and there were no stories, that came close enough to the truth, to make the captain believe her.   
When Justice jumped on her bed, walked over the blanket to her head and placed himself next to her face, she closed her eyes. Her tiger was with her, she wasn't alone. Somebody was here, somebody loved her, wanted to be with her. She wasn't completely alone. There was some hope left, wasn't it? 

Sympathy for the devil

Greg waited for her in his car and Sofia was very happy, that he didn't wear a tuxedo or anything else formal. This wasn't a date, this wasn't the first meeting of her parents with their future son-in-law, even when her mother maybe wanted this. It was an arranged dinner by her mother with a friend. A male friend. Yes, she had a male friend and when her mother had a problem with this or expected more, well she wouldn't get what she wanted. Not a son-in-law and no grandchildren.   
"You still don't look much better, even when you try to hide it with make-up." He said. A friend was honest even when the truth wasn't nice.   
"I feel like shit, had all the time stupid thoughts about Sara and a strange men…how do you handle this?" He was in love with her for a long time, had been through this before.  
"Better than you, she told me a long time ago, we won't be more than friends, I kind of accepted it, but my feelings haven't changed a lot. When she would give me a chance, I'd happily jump at it. And this thing with the messages and the weekend away…the pictures in my head aren't nice and I hate them."  
"They made me physical sick this morning, it drives me crazy."  
"It will hurt for a while before it gets better, believe me." He got his arm around her. "Come on, time for dinner. Your mother peeked through the curtains and I bet she makes a happy dance, seeing you in my arm."  
"When she shows us her old engagement ring and wants me to take it, just in case, we know what she really wants."  
"Not a daughter-in-law?"  
"No, a son-in-law and grandchildren."  
"Parents have to learn they can't have all they want. A lesson they teach their children too."  
"Unfortunately parents are pretty bad in accepting those things." Sofia rang the doorbell and a few seconds later her mother opened the door.   
"Honey, it's good to see you - especially in such nice company." Captain Curtis smiled at Greg. "You can keep your arm around Sofia."  
"Mom." Sofia rolled her eyes. Five seconds and she was ready to leave.   
"Good evening, Captain Curtis. Sofia and me are fine when we're not arm in arm."  
"Might change soon. Come in." The older woman walked into the living room, followed by her daughter, who wished the evening was over or somebody called her in early. Greg squeezed her hand. He was here, ready to help.   
"Hi dad." She hugged her father.  
"Honey-pie, good to see you again." Honey-pie? She wasn't five anymore, when would her parents accept the fact, she was a grown-up woman? "Mister Sanders, I heard you and my daughter are close."  
"We're friends." Greg smiled and Sofia was thankful he was honest.   
"We haven't met a male friend of Sofia for a long time."   
"Because I'm busy and most times we meet after or before shift all together. Dad, Greg meant what he said, he's a friend. A really good friend but not more. I hope you and mom can accept this. This isn't a date, not a first meeting of a future son-in-law, don't put any pressure on him, don't hope for things, that won't happen. Okay?"  
"You never know what the future will bring, my dear." Her father smiled mildly.   
Sofia's look told Greg, I told you so, they're expecting things, that won't happen.   
"Dinner is ready, why don't we all sit down? Sofia, why don't you sit next to your boyfriend?"  
The blonde shook her head and sat down. She knew it, it would go like this the whole evening and at the end her parents would invite over for another dinner or make it obvious, Sofia should invite them for dinner with Greg.   
"You look a little bit tired, Sofia." Her mother said.   
"I work a lot overtime at the moment, the heat makes people go crazy, you know all about this. And it's not that easy to sleep during the day."  
"You should change to dayshift, when you have kids, you need to be at home at night anyway."  
"Mom, I'm just as close to having children as the pope to get married."   
"Both can happen faster than you. I didn't plan to get married and then it happened anyway, which made your father and me very happy. Children are not a reason why a woman can't work, get promotions anymore. These days are over, you have no reason not to settle down, have a family."  
"First I don't have a partner to settle down and start a family and second, I'm not sure if I ever want kids. Yes, there is daycare and everything, but I work a dangerous job, with the possibility every day not to come home. Not the best condition to be a mother. I was a cop child myself, I feared the day you didn't come home as soon as I knew, people can die. It's not nice to grow up with this feeling. And yes, like I said, I don't have a partner and from where I stand, it doesn't look like this will change any time soon."  
"You've got such a nice man next to you."  
"A friend, mother. Only a friend."  
"Friends can become lover."  
"As wonderful as your daughter is, and she is without a doubt very beautiful, Captain Curtis, I doubt the relationship Sofia and I have will change. We know each other for a while and never had any interest other than friendship in each other. I love her like a big sister."  
The disappointment and disapproval was visible in the eyes of the Captain. These weren't the words she wanted to hear, wasn't what she wanted. 

"I'm so glad it's over and I really, really hope, they won't invite us again." Sofia said when she and Greg were outside in front of their cars, far enough away from Sofia's parents. "Sometimes my mother is like the devil herself."  
"In this case I do have some sympathy for the devil."  
"Please don't, she uses it, will try to make you do what she wants."  
"We made it obvious we won't give them what they want, I think your mother will look for another son-in-law."  
"You disappointed her, Greg. She hoped you were on her side, want me too."  
"I do want you - as a friend." He pulled Sofia in his arms. "When they continue to set you up with guys, let me know. Maybe we can both change our mind officially, when they believe we're in love, they leave you alone and I don't mind having dinner with them every now and then. It was very good."  
"Pretending we're a couple and get away with it for a long time? I'm not sure we can do it, but it's worth a try. But I rather have them accepting that my private life isn't any of their business…I sound like Sara now."  
"A little bit." He grinned.   
"Makes things not easier."  
"What happens if you present your parents a girlfriend?"  
"Worst case they shoot us both, best case they don't talk to me anymore."  
"That's the best case?"  
"When I stay realistic, yes." Wasn't it sad to think this was the best case? Her parents don't talk to her anymore, it should be the worst and not the best. "They better never find out or I change my mind about her and start looking for a man to get married. At the moment this sounds not very realistic neither. She really got me."  
"Tell me about it, she has a way to catch your heart and not let it go while she has no intention to keep it nor ever have it and has no idea about how you feel unless you tell her. I doubt Sara thinks people really fall for her, in her world, she isn't desirable. Wrong world."  
"Absolutely wrong world. Shall we go to work? I wonder if I have a new envelope."  
"A new envelope? You got a second one? With another ticket?"  
Right, she hadn't told Greg about all the other envelopes. Well, after she told him about her feelings for Sara, she could also tell him about the envelopes.   
"Yeah, I got a couple envelopes. A second one in my locker, some at home in the mailbox. Whoever sends them knows where I live, there was always only my name written on, no address."  
"You've got a stalker? Did you tell Jim?"  
"No! And neither will you! This isn't his business! It's not a stalker, it's…I don't know."  
"What is in the envelopes?"  
"Lyrics of songs, P!nk songs. Not complete songs, only parts of it. All printed with a laser printer on a standard sheet of paper. Nothing that tells me about the person, who prints them. I have no idea if these are messages, if I'm supposed to do something or just…read and forget it. Which I can't. Sometimes they hit the spot the way I feel."  
"Can I see them?"  
"What for? Like I said, only lyrics of songs, nothing else. Nothing is highlighted, nothing says anything about the secret writer."  
"I can assure you, I don't send them."  
"You had never sent me a ticket to P!nk, had went there yourself, I know. It's strange."  
"Scary."  
"I don't feel like I'm at risk, whoever sends them doesn't strike like a violent person. Our typical stalker does more than send a few song lyrics, he or she wants attention and I've no idea to whom I can give my attention because there's nothing to work on. No fingerprints, I bet no DNA."  
"Our envelope case gets bigger."  
"If we were talking about a killer, it's a serial. You know…for a while I hoped it was Sara, who is behind it, wishful thinking, I know and since I got an envelope this morning it can't be her, she's out of town."  
"Two riddles for us to solve…I hope we can solve them both and soon."  
"So do I." The blonde sighed. "Lets go to work before my parents come out of the house or get any strange ideas why we're still standing here and aren't in our cars."  
"We can't let go of each other." Greg chuckled and got into his car, ignoring the evil eyes Sofia gave him. That wasn't funny! Her parents would think like this. 

You're beautiful

Her job was seldom a happy job, not often she had a reason to smile at a scene, most times death greeted her and she had to tell people they lost their loved ones, family members, friends, neighbors, colleagues. To knock on doors in the middle of the night, ring people out of bed and have nothing else than devastating news made her job a sad one, gave her not many chances to come to people with good news. Only when she could tell them they found whoever killed or injured their loved one, they had the feeling she gave them a kind of - it wasn't happiness - but peace to continue with their life. It was worse to know something happened to somebody you love and not knowing what.   
When she arrived at her scene tonight, in the mountains nearby Las Vegas after hiker called 911 because they found remains that looked like human remains, she hoped she could bring somebody the news what happened to a person they missed. Of course they all hoped for good news, but most times it was better to know what happened than be in a nimbus, hope every day without getting an answer.   
To her the remains looked older, they were not a popular hiking trek and she needed the coroner to verified her assumption and a CSI to work the scene. Whoever lost their life here, the bullet in the forehead told Sofia, it wasn't a natural cause. And after looking around while she waited for crime scene investigator, she couldn't find a weapon. People didn't shoot themselves in the head and threw the weapon away or buried it.   
"Did you not find a more remote crime scene?"   
Sofia's hairs got up. Despite the sad situation a small smile appeared on her face. This voice could make a smile whenever she heard it.  
"Look who is here, Misses Holiday. Did you have a nice trip?" Don't you want to tell me where you went to? With whom? Is there really somebody in your life, you went to?   
"Very nice, thanks. What have you got for me?"  
A lot of questions, all private, all you didn't want to hear. So skip this and go to work. "A DB, found by hikers. Looks like he has been here for a while."  
"He?" Sara cocked a brow amused. "Can't see David here."  
"Don't need David to know this, a look at the pelvis bone is enough."  
"Smart ass."  
"Talented detective I used to be a CSI, so I know a few things about evidence. I leave you to the scene and see if I can talk to the rangers, who are responsible for this area. Good luck."  
"Thanks." Sara bent down and took photos of the remains.   
Sofia watched her for another second. Sara was back, she worked a case with her and - which was very important and was the first thing the blonde checked for - there was no ring on her finger. You had to check for these things, this was Vegas and when people were in love, had time on their hands, they got married without thinking about it. No ring on Sara's fingers. All right, she could have left it at home, but…no, she would not start with this. No ring meant Sara was not married, not engaged. No further discussion.   
The blonde went to her car. Sara married. The brunette wasn't the type of woman, who got married because she had nothing else to do. That wasn't Sara. Even when she spent the weekend somewhere else with…a special person…it didn’t mean a thing. Didn't she have family? Up in San Francisco? Maybe she flew up there and these two days meant nothing. A little family reunion. Yes, this was a nice idea, she liked it. A family reunion and nothing else, no man involved, no love relationship. With this she could work - literally. 

It was after seven when Sofia came into the layout room where she found Sara. The night hadn't been very successful, the ranger couldn't help her a lot. No security cameras, no regular checks on all hiking tracks, nobody reported a man missing, who was supposed to hike in this area.   
"Got anything?" She asked the brunette.   
"Doc Robbins gave bone marrow to DNA, we should get some results there and when we're lucky, he's in one system. Otherwise we are having a male victim, African American, between twenty and twenty-five, who had a rough life. The bones we found showed various healed fractures from the age of twelve. Child abuse? Domestic violence? Or wrong friends. Gang member show similar injuries. Did you find out anything?"  
"Nothing, nobody came to the ranger and asked for a missing hiker. Plus the bullet hole in his head makes it very likely he didn't plan his trip to where we found him."  
"Body dump. Hopefully we find him in any system after we have his DNA. It's better for family to know what happened to loved ones, that went missing."  
Sama thoughts were the same Sofia had. "Yeah."  
"You look tired." The brunette watched the blonde, who leant with closed eyes on the table.   
"I didn't sleep a lot." And when, I dreamed of you with somebody else, which is worse than not sleeping at all. Nightmares tired you out more than staying awake.   
"Why don't you take a night or two off?"  
"What for?" Unless you spend the time with me, it doesn't change a thing. Gosh, when Sara knew what she thought, when she could read her mind…she'd get mad.   
"Sleep in, relax, have a night with beer, fast food and movies. Things you do when you have a night off."  
"Sounds nice, but all these things are more fun when you have company. My friends who work nights, can't join me, the others, who work day, can't stay up the same night I've off, they have to work before and will fall asleep after midnight, not a lot of fun. Or I need a weekend for that."  
"I'm sure there are a couple of people, who want to spend time with you. Don't tell me you don't have men waiting at your door, desperate for some attention." Sara grinned.   
"Just as many as are at your door, I bet." When the brunette started talking about private life, she had to live with the fact, the blonde turned tables.   
"So a lonely door."  
A lonely door? No men at Sara's door? Sure, when the man was inside her apartment, he didn't have to wait at her door.   
"The only man in my life is in my apartment."  
"There's a man in your life?" Now Sara was surprised. And curious.   
"Yes, since five months. Talking about him, I should go back home, he misses me."  
"Probably after you were out the whole night. Can't he make you sleep longer? More? Or is he the reason why you don't sleep?"  
"Not that this is any of your business, Misses Secret Private Life, but no, he is not the reason why I don't get enough sleep. It's me." Or you, the thoughts of you.   
"No reason to get bitchy, just tell me it's not my business. I do the same with you and all the others." Sara grinned. "Private life is meant to keep private."  
"It's good you started to have a private life, it suits you. You look much more relaxed."  
"Thanks. I like my new life too. Did you and Greg think about when we should dinner together? I owe you my presence."  
"I don't know about Greg, I'm available every evening." Gosh, didn't she sound desperate? Pitiful. Like a person, nobody wanted to spend time with, desperately waiting for some company. On the other hand, Sara wanted to have dinner with them. Them. Meant also with Sofia! If the brunette wanted the same when she knew how Greg and Sara felt? Two stupid love fools, hopeless admirer.   
"Want to have dinner tonight?"  
"Sure."  
"Good. I talk to Greg. Same time, same place like the last time?"  
"Sounds great."  
"I call you in case it doesn't work out. Try to be on time today, you were late last time. Go home to your man and catch some sleep, detective. There are wrinkles around your eyes and they don't come from age."  
"Thanks, you look beautiful too!" Sofia turned immediately to make sure the brunette didn't see how red her face turned. So beautiful. Sofia meant every word she said, it wasn't a sarcastically comment. 

The one that got away

"No message, I'll have dinner with Sara!" Sofia took Justice in her arms and danced around her apartment. "Dinner with the most beautiful woman in town, the world. You hear that, man in the house? Do you think Sara is jealous? I told her a man waits for me, didn't tell her you're my man. Not her business, if she wants details, I want details of her private life too and she can come here and meet you."  
With her kitten the blonde dropped on the couch. "Do I really look like shit and have wrinkles? You can be honest, Sara was it too."  
Justice climbed on her shoulder and sat down before he licked her cheek.   
"I take this as a 'you look beautiful', thanks. We'll have dinner and…her landline rang. The blonde bent forwards to see the caller ID. "No mom, yesterday was enough, I don't want to talk to you today. All you want is talk about Greg, talk me into dating him. No way, you stay out of my private life, at least for today. And when you try the cell phone, you get the same reaction."  
She put Justice on the couch. "Time for a shower, I bet you prefer to stay dry, don't you?"   
Her kitten looked at her like he wanted to say, she knew the answer, no need to ask.   
"I knew it. Give me a few minutes to get ready, they I get you your dinner. I bought something special for you on my way home. It's a pity I can't take you with me, you deserve a nice night out too…but to let you out here is too dangerous. A lot of people don't hit the breaks for cats. I love you too much to risk anything could happen to you." She kissed her kitten and went into the bathroom.   
"Oooh, mail! Envelope. It's been a while I could have a new one…mhm…okay, first mail then shower." She ran down the stairs, opened her mailbox, looking an envelope and didn't get disappointed. A new one, a new song. With the rest of her mail she went upstairs, considered for a second to open the envelope first, but she knew, when she did that, there was a chance she got lost in time and had to rush later in the bathroom. Not a good idea. First shower, preparation for dinner (without that it was too obvious she prepared herself for it) and then the envelope.   
Half an hour later she was on her couch, Justice next to it, enjoying his dinner. She bought a fish for him, ready to eat and it looked like her tiger liked fish too. Yes, there were people starving, even in Las Vegas a lot of people suffered of hunger, but she saw no reason why she couldn't treat her cat with good food. He loved her unconditionally, she left him every night alone, whined a lot, in her eyes he deserved a good meal. Plus all the bad things he had been through before she found him. The vet told her only a few things, but what she heard, broke her heart. She saved his life and he tanked it with love; every day.   
You were mine  
In the back of my mind  
Oh just for one night  
Just for a while  
Almost the same words she had on her mind the last days, she recognized the song, heard a couple of dozen times the last weeks, ever since she suspected was in a relationship, had somebody special in her life. She had been hers, at least in her mind, not for a night, but for a while. In her dreams Sara was still hers. Every morning, when sleep finally took over, she imagined how it was to hold the brunette in her arms, to kiss her before they both drifted into wonderful dreams of their love. How she felt the skin of the other woman, felt the heat and listened to sound of her breathing. Sara in her arms, Sara being hers, being with her until the end of time.   
There's always one that gets away  
The one that sneaks up on you that slips away  
Did Sara get away? Did she slip away, was out of Sofia's hands? Her life? Did she lose her? People say there's always one relationship you lost, that will stay with you forever in your heat and heart, one chance you didn't take, that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Was not asking Sara for breakfast her chance? Was that the moment, when she had the one and only chance to make her hers? Make her forget whoever sent her all the messages, who put a smile on her face and made her act like...not like the old Sara. Did she lose the chance, did she let Sara get away?   
Oh but my man you're someone else's man  
And that ain't the man that I wanna want   
But you keep drawing me in with those big brown lyin' eyes  
Was her woman someone else's woman? Did she lose her? Or, to get the attention away from Sara, did somebody else think he or she lost her? Who could think this? Greg's words about the stalker came into her mind. Did she have a stalker? A person, who thought, he or she lost her? Nothing was impossible and she couldn't rule anything out until she had evidence, solid evidence, to do so. Something Grissom taught her. But you keep drawing me back with those big brown lyin' eyes, she didn't have brown eyes, Sara did.   
In a closed off corner of my heart yes  
I'll always see your face  
The one that got away  
One that got away  
A closed off corner of her heart? Sara was all over her heart, soul and mind. Not in a closed off corner, she was so important to her, it was impossible to keep her in a closed off corner. She always saw her face, heard her voice, sometimes even smell her soft perfume. Like a junkie, she had a serious Sara addiction.   
I'm not a victim of cliches  
I don't believe in soul mates  
Happy endings only one  
Oh and I met you and all that changed  
I had a taste and you're still sitting on the tip of my tongue  
Did she believe in soul mates? She never had. Was Sara her soul mate? Maybe. Fact was, she felt good when the brunette was around, felt like home. Sara made her happy, made even the most gruesome murder scene easier to handle. Just by walking into the same room the blonde felt like her life made a sense, like there was the reason why she was born, why she learnt to love. Sara was her happy ending. She met her, felt so lucky before she fell deep and hard, when Sara went away for two nights and it looked like she was involved with somebody else. She never tasted Sara, but there was a certain taste, Sofia had on her tongue, when she thought of the brunette's lips. The most beautiful taste ever, impossible to describe.  
You were mine  
Somewhere in time  
I'll look for you first  
In my next life  
Sara had never been hers. At no time. But she was sure, in her next life, she'd look for Sara and make her hers. And she damned if she wouldn't try it in this life too. Yes, she was absolutely shy when it came to the brunette, but she had get over herself, ask her out, test the water. Nobody said she had to go to Sara and asked her to date her, no, but she could try to get closer to the brunette, get to know her better, find out, if there was a chance for both of them. If she didn't do this, she would never forgive herself. Like she wouldn't forgive herself when she was late for dinner. Time to leave, you are not supposed to let a beautiful woman wait. 

The letter

"Look who is early." Greg chuckled when Sofia slipped on the chair.   
"You are early, you sit here already."  
"Only a minute. We both don't want to let Sara wait, do we?"  
"No, of course not. Especially not after this will be my excuse why I couldn't call my mom back. She tried to reach me this afternoon, unfortunately I was in the bathroom, couldn't take the call and when I was out there, there was no time left, I can't let you and Sara wait, can I?"  
"She wants to know if we meet again?"  
"This or she has a new date for me, I don't know, don't want to know."  
"Some guys saw us arriving together, they think we had a date."  
"Yeah, with my parents. What a date."  
"Something serious when I meet the captain."  
"I used to bring friends home from school, why can't I bring friends from work home?"  
"You can. Any news on the envelope case?"  
"Got a new one today, a sad P!nk song, that reminded me a lot of Sara."  
"Everything reminds you of her." He laughed and made Sofia smiled. True. Everything reminded her of Sara.   
"True. I'm a hopeless case."  
"Well, let one former hopeless case tell you, it gets better after a while, a long while."  
"Great, patience has never been something I was good in." A while sounded like she needed a lot of patience.   
"Time to chance the topic, the Queen of Hearts arrived. How was your case last night?"  
"Unknown male DB in the mountains. Yours?"  
"DB in an alley, hooker."  
"Hi fans." Sara smiled and Sofia was sure, her face turned a little bit more red. Fans. What an innocent way to describe her. She wasn't a fan, she was obsessed.   
"Hey, ready for some dinner or will you leave us again for Mister X?"  
"I leave you if you annoy me, Greg."  
"Ouch."  
"Same rule like last time, stay out of my private life, it's none of your business."  
"I thought I'm your friend."  
"You are and nevertheless, it's none of your business if I date or not. Not until I decide to tell you. Right, Sofia?"  
"Uhm…yes." Not that she didn't want to know if there was somebody in Sara's life, but she better didn't say this. Stay quiet, agree and make her happy.   
"So, what were you up to the last days? Anything good happened? And don't give me work stories."  
"I had dinner with Sofia at her parent's place and her mother wants me as her son-in-law." Greg grinned.   
"Jeez, thanks Greg." Sofia rolled her eyes. This was an unnecessary comment of her friend. No need to let Sara know.   
"Really? The two of you are dating?"  
"No!" Sofia almost yelled. "My mom arranged that, she wants…she wants me to get married and get pregnant. Greg was her victim, a man I talk to, to her a possible son-in-law. We made it obvious we're only friends - I hope we did."  
"The food was good, if you want some really nice self cooked food, you should go there as Sofia's girlfriend, her father should be a chef."  
One more word and she'd kill Greg. Sara join her at her parents as her girlfriend? Was he totally nuts? How could he say something like this? She started to regret she told him about her feelings.   
"I'm not sure if Sofia's parents agree, they want grandchildren, means they want a son-in-law. To risk getting shot for some food is too high for me, I prefer to have dinner with you here, feels safer."  
"Thanks. Will you stop it, Greg?" The blonde gave her friend the evil eyes. No more comments like the last one. Not now and not later.   
"She doesn't want to talk about her private life, I can understand that. Are we allowed to know what happened about the ticket? Did you find out who gave it to you?"  
"No." Sofia looked at Greg. "But I got various more envelopes with strange messages." Why not tell her? it was impossible that she left those envelopes, Sofia received one while Sara was away. It had to be somebody else. Why not use the smart brain of the brunette for some clues? Plus it was another topic, they could talk about without Sofia's head turn deep red. At least she hoped this was possible.   
"How do strange messages look?"  
"Song lyrics of P!nk. Nothing else and not complete songs, only parts of it."  
"Sounds like a stalker."  
"Thanks, the same I said, she doesn't believe it."  
"Stalker sound different, we worked enough cases of them."  
"They all start small." Greg said.   
"If it gets creepy I let Jim know, Until it stay between the three of us. Please." She looked at both of them.   
"I promised you already."  
"And I'm not the one, who tells everybody stories about other people." Sara smiled. "Somebody sends you song lyrics, interesting. I wonder with which intentions. You have no idea who it is?"  
"No, I checked the envelope for fingerprints, nothing. Not inside and not outside. There's only my name written on it, so whoever leaves them, knows where I live and also which one is my locker. I found them in both places."  
"Do you have a security camera at home?"  
"No, I do have on in my apartment, one for the balcony and one for the front door from the inside, but we don't have one downstairs."  
"If you tell the owner that might change, you get a camera and a nice video of whoever gives you the envelopes. Or you put a camera around your mailbox, they're tiny, can't you leave one around?"  
"I doubt my neighbors will be happy if I don't ask for their permission."  
"Is one of them working at the department?"  
"No."  
"So, it can't be one of your neighbors, they can't get to your locker. You can ask them, offer some extra security. You're a cop, you know what you're talking about when you offer them to pimp up the house security system."  
"Maybe."  
"Hey, detective Curtis will catch this guy, I'm sure of that."  
"Thanks." As good as it was to know Sara believed in her, a part of Sofia was sad. The way the brunette tried to help her, it made it impossible she had anything to do with the envelopes. With all the ideas she gave Sofia, it would be impossible for her to stay unknown. The next time she left an envelope Sofia knew it was her and she was sure, this wasn't Sara's intention. and she still wanted her to be the one, who was responsible, no matter what the evidence said. Her head said different.   
"What about the man in your life?"  
"He is as much a topic of this evening as your secret text messages are." Sofia grinned. This was good, this was a hit.   
Sara laughed. "All right, I can live with that. Greg?"  
"I want to know who the man is and who sends you the text messages…so I guess I get no answers at all."  
"Looks like. Anything in your private life we can talk about? A little girlfriend? After you don't date Sofia."  
"No, still waiting for you."  
"You will become a monk, poor boy." Sara smirked. "Maybe I write a letter for you, leave it at your door, so you have the feelings somebody wants you too."  
"I don't need your pity, besides, I bet I'd find out it was you." He grinned. "But if you do, my neighbors will find me singing in the hallway: oooh, my baby she wrote me a letter!"  
"I bet your neighbors know you're crazy and won't call the police right away." The brunette shot back dryly.   
"And if they do, I come along and rescue you." Sofia bopped Greg's side. She would safe her friend. As a detective she had to take care of her CSI and Greg was her CSI; just like Sara was. 

Holiday

"Sofia, don't you think you should take a few days off?" Jim asked when he called the blonde into his office.   
"Why?" How many people did not jump at the chance to have a few days off when their boss offered it? The blonde was aware it was an unusual respond and Jim's face said the same. Most times his detectives asked him to stay away and not the other way around.   
"Lets start with you're maxed on overtime."  
"So I don't work overtime anymore."  
"How is it supposed to go down when you don't stay at home? Plus even your average work night is overtime, you need to step back for a while."  
"Define a while." Every day was too much, she hoped one or two nights did the trick.  
"At least a week."  
"A week?" What was she supposed to do for a week? No distraction from all her thoughts, being at home, caught in dreams and…fear.   
"Don't sound like it's something bad, you can stay a week at home and get paid for it. Pack your suitcase, go somewhere, enjoy yourself, sleep in. Eat. You look pale and lost weight, a few days at home should be good for you."  
She saw that different. "Any chances to change your mind?"  
"No."  
Sofia sighed. Looked like she had no chance, like nobody wanted her opinion. "From when on?"  
"You go home at six this morning and I don't want you back until next Thursday, ten in the evening. I heard P!nk is still on tour, go and see her again, from what you told me, you enjoyed it."  
"Thanks Jim." With Justice at home there was no way she left Vegas for a couple of days. Her kitten needed her and she didn't want anybody else taking care of it and doubted Justice accepted anybody else around. He didn't know anybody except her. Well, the next week he'd see a lot of her. Poor boy.   
One week at home. Seven nights. Yes, she knew she looked pale, she heard it a few times the last days, she slept not enough and her dreams were strange, made her wake-up all the time and gave her no real time to recreate. Work was the only place where she got her mind to concentrate. One week at home. She'd wait for an envelope every day, get lost in thoughts about Sara, miss the chance to see the brunette at work…that was what she hated more. One week at home meant, one week without Sara.   
Talking about the brunette. The very least thing she wanted to do was saying her goodbye. Tell her, she was off for a week; against her own will. And tell Greg, she was sure they'd meet for coffee anyway. After all, they had their two own cases to work and so far in none of the cases they had any kind of success. Sara still received messages and was in a good mood, did not tell anybody why and Sofia still got envelopes from a stranger. Last night she found one in her locker, another P!nk song.   
"You look like somebody stole your car keys or did any other practical joke to you." Sara said when Sofia entered the layout room. "I hope you don't think it was me, I was way too busy the whole night with evidence to hide anything."  
"No, no practical joke. I got sent away for a week. Maxed on overtime, Jim doesn't want to see me until next Thursday night."  
"A week off is good, why do you look like you got punished?"  
"Because I prefer to work. Does it sound familiar to you?"  
"Kind of." Sara put away the evidence she worked on. "Sofia, I try not to interfere with your private life, try not to tell you what to do, but take the week, get some sleep. You look like you need some. Really."  
"You have a way to tell me I look like shit, very charming."  
"Not like shit, but close to shit. Sorry. Did you get more envelopes?"  
"Last night."  
"Still no idea who sends them?"  
"No."  
"Could be a reason why you don't sleep this much?"  
"It doesn't bother me, in fact, I look forward to them, I like them. Amazingly they fit my moods very often and the parts of the songs, the secret person chooses, are my favorite ones. It's good, one of my highlights of the day…this must sound very sad and desperately."  
"Unusual."   
"Thanks for being polite."  
"Go home, tell your man to pamper you, treat you with breakfast."  
"It's more the other way around." Although the idea of Justice having her served breakfast amused her. Her kitten, jumping on his two back hindpaws, a coffee mug holding in his forepaws. Cute. She bet he'd do it for her, if he could.   
"Time to teach him some manners."  
"He wants to meet you." Sofia's heart stopped beating. Did she really say this? As soon as these five words were out, she knew what they really said and it scared her. She was too chicken to ask the brunette to have breakfast together and now she invited her over? Her subconscious was strange. And brave. Braver than she felt right now.   
"Really? Maybe we should meet so I can tell him off for being lazy. He doesn't treat you good, doesn't help you get more sleep and doesn't make sure you eat enough."   
The second time she got told she had to eat more. Did she look this skinny? Yes, she lost some weight but…it was like with sleep, food wasn't important, didn't taste good anymore. Since she was sure Sara was involved with somebody, tried to realize, she had no chance to make the brunette her own, her life was…gray…tasteless…and dreams got bad.   
"You should tell him."  
"Why don't you get him over to the diner and I tell him."  
"I'm afraid that's not possible."  
"Why's that?"  
"He doesn't leave the apartment."  
"What? Doesn't he work?"  
Work? Well, he had not a job like other did, but he has a couple of certain things to do, like listen to her whine, comfort her. "From home."  
"Doesn't sound like a man I thought you'd be interesting in."  
"He's a great man."  
"If he was a great man, he took care of you."  
Sofia smiled a bit. "He does the best he can. But if you want to tell him to do more, you have to come around." Hah! Wasn't she a heroine? She asked Sara to come and visit her. That was better than breakfast, took more guts. Yee-ha! With this question she made up for the forgiven chance of breakfast and turned her from pussy to cool chick.   
"To tell a guy off? Actually you should be able to do this alone, detective."   
No! Don't ruin it, Sara, don't take back your offer. It worked out so great…"Maybe I need some help from you. Could you help me out?"  
"Not Greg? He could talk to him from man to man."  
"My man reacts better to women." They both did. Especially one brunette woman, who was in the same room she was now. Come on, luck, let her say yes. Let her agree and come over. Sofia had no idea how to explain Justice without looking ridiculous, but at the moment she didn't care. Her goal was having Sara over, spend some time with her alone. The rest…she could see about the rest when it was time for it.   
"Does this man have beer in the house and share it?"  
"We do have beer and we share it, yes." Her man didn't drink beer, no need to tell Sara. Would make her suspicious.   
"I think about it. You better go home now, you're off the clock and I need to finish this. Enjoy your week off, detective."  
"Thanks. Don't stay too long, you're on overtime now."   
"I'm not maxed on overtime, times have changed." Sara grinned.   
"Looks like. I see you." She wanted to ask when Sara came along, if she really did. What Sofia should prepare, what Sara liked. But that sounded desperate and she should keep some dignity. She asked her, offered her to come along and told her, she was welcome, her man wanted to meet her. if the brunette decided to stay away, there was nothing Sofia could do. 

Just give me a reason

Two days were over and when Sofia was honest to herself, she still looked like shit. She still slept poorly during the day, sat bored on her couch, watched TV without watching it. Her fridge was empty, her oven had dust on it and the only one, who ate on a daily basis was Justice. Whenever she took an advertisement of a deliver service in her hands, she felt sick. All she could do was sitting around, tell Justice how much she missed Sara, her poor kitten must be crazy by now.   
In sweat pants and less motivated she went down to get her mail. No envelope in two days, what if she got them to the locker in the department? But whoever sent them must know she was on vacation. When an envelope with her name fell into her hands a small smile appeared. At least something. Even they would only remind her more about Sara…she thought about her anyway.   
Sitting on the floor, her back to the front door, she opened the envelope. Time for some more P!nk lyrics and more…Sara thoughts. Would they ever stop? At one point her heart had to understand, Sara was off limits.   
Right from the start, you were a thief,   
You stole my heart and  
I your willing victim  
I let you see the parts of me  
That weren't all that pretty.  
And with every touch  
You fixed them.  
Now, you've been talking in your sleep  
Oh oh, things you never say to ME  
Oh oh, tell me that you've had enough  
Of out Love, our Love.  
Sara stole her heart too. Not from the start but since she did, she hit her hart. She had never let her see inside her, let her know what was going on in her life and she had never heard Sara talking in her sleep, was never around when the brunette slept. It was one of the things she always wanted to experience, dreamed of. All the things Sara never said to her, the things she desperately wanted to hear. Three little words could turn her life around, could make her the happiest person in the world. Hearing Sara say I love you, not only in her dreams, were the words that kept her going every day and she had no idea, how long she could keep going with the knowledge, these words would never come to her ears.   
Just give me a reason,   
Just a little bit's enough  
Just a second, we're not broken  
Just bent we can learn to LOVE again.  
Oh, it's in the stars,   
It's been written in the scars on our hearts  
We're NOT broken  
Just bent we can learn to love again.  
Yeah, could somebody please give her a reason, just a little one, to continue keep going. A reason why she should believe things got better one day. A reason to believe she would have a happy end one day. With Sara. Or give her the strength to get over her. And there were a lot of scars on her heart, they filled books about how she felt, how she suffered. Her heart was not bent, it was broken and so was she. Learn how she could love again somebody else would be a hard lesson, probably the hardest one she ever had in her life. And she had no idea if she could do it and not fail.   
You've been having real bad dreams  
Oh oh, used to lie so close to me  
Oh oh, there's nothing more than empty sheets  
Bad dreams? She had bad dreams, a lot of bad dreams. All her dreams the last weeks were bad, painful and made her sad. She missed the times when she woke up after a dream and was in a happy mood. Her sleep was either bad, really bad or acceptable. All because of Sara and not seeing her was…just painful. Her empty sheets were an image of her heart. Empty, without the one, who was supposed to be there. The one, who belonged there. Why fight when the reason you fought for before was gone?   
No, nothing is as bad as it seems.  
We'll come clean!   
Nothing is as bad as it seems? That's what she tried to tell herself all the time, tried to make herself believe. The problem was, she was past believing herself. Too much pointed towards another directions, towards the fact, her dreams would stay dreams for the rest of her life. Did it make sense to come clean? Tell her the truth? Or would she ruin the fragile friendship they manage to maintain the last months? She had no idea and frankly, she had not the power to think about it.   
Justice jumped on her lap and meowed, rubbing his head on her belly, getting her attention away from the letter. Her little sunshine, her only reason to keep going.   
"You know, without you, I've no idea what I'd do. It's not like it's the first time I don't get a person I'm in love with, that happened before, but then I knew why. I knew there was somebody else, most times I knew the person, who was the lucky one. This time I've no idea. I might be wrong and there is nobody else. Like I don't have a real man in the house. Sara believes a man lives here because I let her believe it, didn't tell her the truth. She could do the same, the question is why? Is it her way to make sure nobody hits on her?"  
She got up and walked into her bedroom, lay down, Justice on her belly sitting, petting him. He purred and it made her relax a little bit. Cat, best friend and shrink, her little tiger was amazing.   
"In the song…I think it's not as sad as it sounds. They do have problems, but like it said, they're not broken, only bent and learn to love again. Do you think whoever left the envelope wants to cheer me up? Tell me, things get better and there will be a time, when I'm happy again? So far I got over every lost love, over every break-up and all the times I thought, I can't make it. It's a pretty shitty situation and I'm…I'm a lucky person to have you. You're the best listener and always stay with me. Can you purr me into sleep? My eyes hurt and I should really try to catch some sleep. Even when it's bad sleep." She rolled herself together, pulled Justice in her arms and closed her eyes. Not broken, just bent. Right now she felt very broken. 

Dream a little dream

"Shall we watch…reality TV? A bunch of blown up barbies with fat balls Kens or brainless comedy show? Not that we really watch any of them, the question is, which noise do you prefer to have in the background? Or shall we leave the TV off and…sit here and stare out of the window?" Sofia sat in front of the couch on the floor and looked at Justice, who sat on the couch. Her kitten was smarter than she was. Why exactly she sat here and not next to him was a mystery to herself.   
Her phone rang - again. And again she didn't bother to get up. It was the job of the answering machine to get these calls.   
"Sofia, it's your mother; again. Why don't you call back, Jim told me, you have a week off, did you go somewhere? You did not tell us! I met Harold the other day, you remember the nice man, who lives a few houses down the street. Why don't you come over for dinner on Tuesday, meet him. He remembers you and thinks you're a beautiful woman. Plus, he's divorce and available. Call me, Honey."  
Harold was exactly why she didn't answer her phone anymore. Harold or any other man her mother thought Sofia had to meet. She never asked her mother to set her up with somebody and she didn't want this kind of dates. If she couldn't have Sara at least she wanted to live and suffer in peace. Was it better - easier - to tell her mother she had no interest in dating men? Make it final, give her a shock, maybe make her not call for a while, but this way she didn't have to put up with all the planned set ups.   
"Harold. I remember the guy, self-loving, righteous asshole, there is a reason why he is divorced, his wife finally woke up and realized what piece of crap she married. No thanks, the only man I want in my life, in my bed, are you, Justice. Do you want some…I don't know, I don't have cat food anymore, need to go shopping tomorrow…I can make you some meat. Want chicken, beef or pork?"  
Justice dropped on his side and looked at her, looking pretty happy. He wasn't hungry, but she was sure, when she prepared something for him, he wouldn't decline it.  
Pushing herself up she needed a second to find her balance. Maybe she needed some food, since the banana she had in the early morning she didn't eat a thing and it was seven in the evening. But what? Her fridge was empty, the freezer…she had no intentions of cooking, not even for calling a delivery service. On the other hand, when she ordered something, she had food for Justice. The problem was, they always used herbs on their food, not good for her kitten. Plan B was needed.   
Her doorbell rang. If that was mother, to check if she was at home or gone, she needed some good explanations…or she ignored the door like she ignored the phone. the TV was off, nobody knew she was here, nobody could prove she was.   
Whoever was in front of her door had other plans and knocked on it. Whoever it was, was in front of her apartment door. Not downstairs. She didn't want visitors and had no nerves for a cult or a person, who wanted to sell her newspapers.   
"Sofia? I know you're at home, your car is in front of the door."  
Sara!?!?! What the hell was the brunette doing here? How did she get in and what…Sara in front of her door. And Sofia looked like shit. In her old sweat pants, with the coffee stain on her shirt and the dark shadows under her eyes. Should she really let the brunette inside? Looking like a Halloween mask.  
"Come on, open up, I won't wait here forever."  
Let her in and shock her or let her go and beat yourself up for it. She wanted to talk to Sara alone, this was her chance. At least she hadn't heard of anybody else around. Carefully she peeked through the peephole. Gosh, Sara looked so beautiful. The most beautiful person Sofia had ever seen and she was so close. Her brown eyes, this cute smile with the gap between her front teeth. She loved it. Fell for this smile right away. How couldn't you? This woman was perfect in every way and she…what an ass! She loved the ass too and when Sara walked stairs…one moment, she walked away! Like she said, she won't wait forever. Was Sofia about to let her walk away? Let the chance to talk to Sara alone walk away? That was worse than blowing the breakfast chance this was…stop thinking, move your damn ass and stop her. Hectically she pulled her door open.   
"Sara?" Her voice sounded horrible, matched her appearance perfectly.   
The brunette stopped, turned. "Why do you play not being at home?"  
"Because…I'm stupid and look like shit." Half hidden behind the door, only her head out.   
"Are you also naked?"  
"What?" Sofia's head turned deep red. "N-no."  
"Because you're hiding behind the door."  
"Like I said, I look like shit."  
"This bad that I can't come in or do you think I will survive the look of you?"  
Sara wanted into her apartment, wanted to spend time with her. And she looked like she came straight from a dumpster dive. Precious. Why did she not prepare herself or at least wore something clean? It wasn't asked too much to put on clean clothes on your day off. No, she had to be lazy and do nothing than drown in self-pity. This was what happened when you let yourself go, you had to pay for it.   
"Sofia? Are you with me?"  
"Uhm…" Great, she acted like a retarded person. "Yes."  
"May I come in or do you want to be alone?"  
She had been alone way too long and she wanted Sara in her apartment, wanted to spend time with her. The thing was, when she didn't start to act like a normal person, Sara would leave her standing behind the door.   
"Sure, come in." Thanks brain for working the right way. Relieved the brunette came back the stairs she stepped aside to let her in. "I'm not really dressed for visitors…"  
"You're dressed for a day off, which you have."  
"Yeah…sorry for the mess." Like she didn't care for food, she also didn't care for her apartment, cleaning, vacuuming or tidying up. Her apartment and she look the same: messy.  
"No point in cleaning when you have vacation, it's nothing you enjoy."  
"Not really…uhm…why don't you have a seat on the couch." And she should do the same for a change. It would look strange when she sat in front of the couch, her knees to her chin and her arms around her legs.   
"You don't look like you slept more the last days."  
"No." It got worse every day. Probably she was on her way into a depression.   
"When was the last time you ate?"  
"This morning? A banana."  
"That's all?"  
"Yeah…I guess so…I'm not hungry."  
"By now your stomach must have the size of a peanut, I bet the last days were like today. A banana and that's it."  
Fit the descriptions of her day quite good, yes. "I'm fine."  
"Don't lie to me, you look like shit and it's not your clothes. I assume you have no food in your apartment?"  
"No…I have some steaks…that's it."  
"Good, we order something."  
"We?"  
"Yes. I came here to have dinner with you, if you have nothing here, we need to order something. Do you feel like pizza?"  
"Why not?" Maybe she was capable of eating when Sara was around. Sara was here with her.   
"Good. Do you have a favorite delivery service?"  
"No."  
"Okay, than I order from my favorite one." She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed a number. "Hi Dave, it's Sara, how are you? I'm fine too, thanks. Yes, I take the usual and a meat lover special, two salads, garlic bread, tiramisu and number seven…two dozen. Oh and do you have the fourteen plain? Yes, this kind of plain. Thanks. Now comes the tricky thing, I need you to deliver it to another place…no, I didn't move…yes…" She passed Sofia's address on.   
"You ordered a lot."  
"Yeah, I thought we might want a little buffet and everything is great.   
"Thanks…uhm…is it okay when I leave you alone for a second and get changed? At least I can wear something clean while you're here."  
"Sure, but I don't mind your appearance."  
"I do." Finally she did.   
"Then go and get changed. I promise I don't run away and won't sniff around."  
"I didn't think so." The blonde got up and went into her bedroom, closed the door and let herself fall on her bed. Sara was in her living room. She was here. With her. A bump next to her told her Justice was here too. He must have fled when Sara came inside, scared of the stranger.   
"Sara is here. She's really here. That's so crazy!" She pulled Justice in her arms. "She's here. Did you see how beautiful she looks? And she ordered dinner for us, means, she'll stay for dinner. So cool. Tell me what to wear." The look Justice gave her made her giggle. "You're right, if I dress up now it will look ridiculous. Okay, so clean jeans and a clean shirt. Do you want to hide here or join us? You don't have to be afraid, she is…you know everything about her." Sofia laughed quietly. All right time to get some clean clothes and go back into her living. A dream come true was sitting there. Sara Sidle was in her living room. It still sounded unreal…maybe she was dreaming. Dream a little dream of…Sara…

In the eyes of a tiger

Sofia starred in disbelieve at Sara when the brunette came with the food back in the living room. After a little argument about who pays for the food, Sara won, said it had been her idea and the next time, it was Sofia's turn. The idea of a next time, another evening with Sara, another dinner with her, made everything fine. Yes, she wanted to owe the brunette a dinner. A very good excuse why they had to spend time together.   
"Are we expecting more people?"  
"Only when you invited somebody - oh and your man. He should be here too? You said he never leaves the apartment, I haven't seen him…"  
"He's in the bedroom, I'm sure he'll be here any second. This wonderful smell will make him leave the bed."  
"He stays the whole day in bed?"  
"In bed, on the couch, wherever it's nice and cozy." Sofia grinned and for the first time in a while she felt happy while she grinned.   
"Lazy guy."  
"Cute guys get away with being lazy." Without thinking the blonde dropped on front of the couch, getting a surprised look from the brunette. "Sorry, old habits die hard."  
"Why do you sit on the floor?"  
"I've no idea, it feels…safer her? I can't explain it. Sometimes I feel lost on the couch…it's big and I'm…I don't know." Alone and doesn't need it. But the words she said sounded already weird enough, she didn't have to top them.   
"Come on, you're not lost, you're here with me." Sara pulled her up. "That's better. Now lets see what we have here, shall we?" She opened the first box. "I can see meat and meat and meat. Must be the meat lover pizza for you. And here is…oh, garlic bread, yummy. Tiramisu in case we want something sweet, my vegetarian pizza and salads…very important also this one." She opened the biggest box and a lot of beer bottles appeared. "Can't have pizza without beer, can we?"  
"No…don't you have to work?"  
"No, I took the night off. I mean, if you have other plans I eat and will be gone…"  
"No!" Did she sound desperate? The way she yelled out it could have sounded like it. No, Sara was not supposed to leave. Never. If she wanted, she could stay here forever with Sofia, the blonde was more than happy to have the brunette here. More than she could imagine. Sara was in her apartment, it was…wow.  
"Good, in this case I'd say we make sure you eat something, have a few beer, watch some TV or movies and spoil ourselves with these yummy things. Try your pizza." Sara took a slice of her pizza. A lot of cheese, thin crust, real Italian.   
When she had her first bite of pizza Sofia realized how hungry she really was. And how good it tasted, she was tempted to push the whole slice into her mouth. Food. She was starving. Now that the sadness was gone and replaced by pure happiness about Sara here next to her, her body started to function in a normal way again.   
"You are hungry." Sara laughed when Sofia finished the second slice before the brunette was halfway through her first.   
"Yeah, sorry."   
"No need to apologize, I'm glad you eat. I worried about you, getting more and more skinnier. You need to take care of yourself, Sofia."  
"I try." Unfortunately it didn't work out the last days. Almost weeks.   
"Your man still resists the smell."  
"Looks like…and your cell phone hasn't rung so far."  
"Because I switched on mute."  
"Why?"  
"I'm here to see you, why bother with the cell phone?"  
"You…answered the text messages all the time." Be careful, don't annoy her, don't look like you are sniffing around her private life. The last thing Sofia wanted to happen was a mad Sara leaving her, because the blonde asked too many personal questions. Better back off a little bit and stay out of her business.   
"No need for tonight."  
"Oh…okay…are you all right?"  
"I'm absolutely fine, Sofia." Sara smiled relaxed. "It was nothing bad and it's not a problem to be a night without cell phone."  
"Okay…just tell me when I'm…when I'm getting too close to something, that isn't my business, okay?"  
"I will, relax. Bread?"  
"Salad. Can't remember the last time I had salad." Or anything else healthy beside the bananas. Fruits and vegetables weren't on top of her shopping list.   
"I need a serious conversation with the man in your bedroom, he has to take better care of you."  
"Not his fault…hey Justice! Come here!"   
"Justice?"  
"Law enforcement by heart." Sofia grinned. In the corner of the door her kitten appeared, eyed Sara. "Come here, Honey, there is cheese in the salad, you like cheese, don't you? Sara, may I introduce you to Justice, the man in my apartment. Justice, that's Sara, I told you about her." And Sofia was really happy Justice couldn't tell Sara how much and what she told her about the brunette.   
"The man in your life is a kitten?"  
"The cutest man in town. Come here." She petted on the place next to her and with five big jumps Justice sat next to her, meowed, got on her lap and continued to eye Sara. "No need to hide, she doesn't hurt you, she's nice."  
"His red color is beautiful. Make the green eyes glow more."  
"He is the cutest cat in the world and my big love. I love you, don't I, Honey? Here, have a little bit of cheese." Sofia fed a lit of cheese to her kitten. "I'm a bad mommy, I should have fed you first before I sat down. Shall I get you something? A steak?"  
"Steak?"  
"Ran out of cat food…I'm a bad mommy."  
"Why not give him this." Sara opened the last closed box and chicken wings appeared. They were kept natural. "No herbs, nothing. Only chicken wings cooked in the oven. He can have them."  
"Why did you…?"  
"Sofia, I'm a CSI, I knew you had a cat the minute I came into the your living room. There's cat fur on the couch."  
So much for playing the mysterious woman, she failed. Sara was too clever for her, another reason why she loved the brunette so much. Her sharp mind.   
"Yes. Why don't you offer him some chicken?"  
"Me? Will he eat it?"  
"Give it a try."   
Sara took a chicken wing and offered it to Justice. First the kitten stayed on Sofia's lap, not sure if he could trust the stranger, but then his hunger took over and Sofia seemed to be relax, there was no reason to be scared. Carrying the chicken wing in his mouth, he jumped off the couch and went under the table.   
"The tiger leaves with his prey, makes sure we don't steal it." Sofia grinned.   
"I was eye to eye with the tiger…looked into the eyes of a tiger, I'm so brave." Sara laughed.   
"You fed a tiger, yes. Are all fingers still on your hand?"  
"One, two, three, four and five, yes my hand is complete."  
"Good." There were so many things this hand could do, so many things Sofia had on her mind, involving Sara's hand, both hands. From holding it to having it all over her body. And she sat less than a yard away from Sara, they were in Sofia's living room…it still felt unreal. And so good. 

It's raining men

Almost all of her pizza was gone, a lot of salad, garlic bread and tiramisu. Sofia felt like she couldn't move anymore. She lay on her couch, unable to eat another crump. Justice looked the same way, he had six chicken wings and placed himself on the top of the couch. After being fed by Sara, he wasn't scared anymore and she was allowed to pet him for a short while before he went back to Sofia, licking her nose once as a little kiss.   
"I love you too but please, please don't jump on my belly."  
"He doesn't look like he wants to get up any time soon. Want some more tiramisu?"  
"Not now, maybe later."  
"Okay. Another beer?"  
"To clean the mess up in my stomach? Good idea." She already felt the other three beers she had before. It was warm and she was tired. Food, beer and best of all, Sara. An evening couldn't be more perfect.   
"Any news on the envelope thing?"  
"No. Or yes. I got more but have no idea who sends them."  
"I checked your mailbox on my way up, there was nothing inside I could see. Do you check it every day?"  
"It's one of the few things I manage to do every day."  
"What keeps you from doing the rest?"  
Thoughts of you. Missing you. Thinking of you. Of you in somebody else's arms. Bashing myself for being such a fool, to fall for you. Losing interested in everything but you. All in all, it has to do with you. You're the center of my attention, of my life and at the moment I'm not capable of living without you. If I can't have you physically around, I need to be with you in my dreams…she didn't say these words out loud, did she? No, the way Sara looked at her, waiting for an answer, she said those words only in her mind. Good. Very good. Thanks subconscious.   
"My life is a little bit a mess at the moment."  
"Care to talk about it?"  
If I do you will run away, you won't be happy about the fact I'm addicted to you, worse than a fan stalker. "I'd rather not if that's okay."  
"Hey, you accept my private life, I accept yours. You don't owe me anything, Sofia, no explanation."  
"Thanks. To get back to the messages…they're still the same, song lyrics, not complete songs, all of P!nk."  
"So you're looking for a P!nk fan."  
"Or somebody who knows I like her. But they don't feel like I'm at risk in any kind."  
"Good. Greg worries a lot."  
"He's cute. Maybe I should tell him I've got a tiger in my apartment."  
"The man in your life…I thought he is the man in your life, after you had dinner at your parent's place."  
"My mom hoped the same, then understood he's only a friend and keeps looking for a new son-in-law. I ignore her calls since four days."  
"This bad?"  
"I've no idea how to make her stop. She doesn't react to words."  
"Tried action? Or stronger words?"  
"Like what?"  
"Don't know…ask a Harley rocker to play your boyfriend and scare her away?"  
"She's a captain, she will scare the rocker. And as long as he's a man and fulfills her grandchildren wish, I'm afraid he's welcome."  
"Try it with a girlfriend."  
"Want to be the one I introduce her to?" Shit! She said these words out loud! Why? What happened to her subconscious? Not that it made her say a lie, quite contrary. A lie would have been better, much better, than the truth. The truth was…could require some explanations and she didn't feel like coming up with a story, a good story, and lie to Sara.   
"She'd shoot me."  
"And me." Then again, the idea could work. No, there was no way she put Sara's life at risk. Not her precious beautiful brunette.   
"Got a plan B?"  
"No…ignore her calls and hope she gets tired of what she does one day. In like twenty years, when I can't give birth anymore. Or I've to see a doctor, have him take out my uterus and the thing is over too."  
"And when you meet the right man, you can't have children and will regret it."  
Right man? The right woman sat next to her, who cared about a man? She wanted this woman, she wanted Sara, and not a man. Was that so difficult to understand? Didn't she say this loud and clear without words? With her thoughts? In her minds it was very obvious and clear whom she wanted. Sara and nobody else.   
"I doubt there is a the perfect man somewhere."  
"You never know. All we need is Mother Nature."  
"Mother Nature?"  
"For the first time in history it's gonna start rainin' men. It's rainin' men, Hallelujah It's rainin' men - amen. I'm gonna go out. I'm gonna let myself get absolutely soaking wet. It's rainin' men, Hallelujah. It's rainin' men." Sara sang laughing.   
"We better get a very solid umbrella in case we have to leave the house tonight. What was it, that the men thunderstorm happens? Half past ten? I make sure all my windows are locked at this time, don't want them fall into my apartment. If you want one, you're free to go out and get one." No, she wasn't but what else could Sofia say?   
"Thank you, but no thank you. I'm fine."  
Was that a good or bad thing? She was fine because there was a man in her life? (very bad) Or she was fine because she didn't want a man in her life? (very good).   
"So am I, I've got the man of my dreams here with me, he's cute, he's loyal and he knows how to use the toilette - his own toilette."  
"I've to admit, he is a good looking guy…a little bit young…but cute. And he sleeps, does that mean, he's not afraid of me anymore?"  
"At least he thinks you're not such a big threat. Plus he knows, I protect him. My cute little tiger."  
"You can't move, you ate too much."  
"Give me a few more minutes and I can move again. Until then I stay like this, on the couch, looking at my belly growing by the second."  
"There is no belly that grows, but you look a little bit better now, you got a little bit color. All you need now is a good and long sleep."  
With you in my arms or in your arms I'd sleep like a baby, all I need is you and my world is perfect. You in my arms, your skin on mine, your lips kissing mine…there are so many perfect possibilities - and Sofia better not mentioned them. 

Get the party started

Sunshine in her face made Sofia woke up. Nothing unusual, it happened quite often in the late afternoon that the sun woke her up. She stretched, blinked and held still for a moment. She wasn't in her bed, she was on her couch. And there was no sunshine on her couch on the afternoon, it was the other side of the apartment, her couch had sunshine in the morning until noon. Did she fall asleep on her couch? Why? When? The last thing she remembered was Sara and her started to watch a movie…Sara! Where was Sara? Sofia sat up and took a look around. Her living room was cleaned, the TV was off and there was a little pyramid made with cat food cans on the table. Justice sat on the arm chair, watching her. Where was Sara? And what time was it?   
Getting up, she held for another time. Something was strange, different than usual, something felt…yes she felt good, relaxed, rested. Like she slept for a long time…what time was it?   
"Ohmygod." In disbelieve she starred at the clock on the wall. Noon. It had to be noon, both hands were on the twelve and there was sunshine outside, it couldn't be midnight. "This must be a joke." Noon. And she fell asleep around eight last night…did she really sleep for sixteen hours?   
"Did I fall asleep last night and slept until now, Justice? Sixteen hours. Crazy. Was it the food? The beer or…Sara? What happened to Sara?"  
She understood the way her cat looked at her that she wasn't a good host, fell asleep while her guest was here and let her clean the room alone. As it this wasn't bad enough, she missed her date with Sara because she fell asleep. Could somebody be more impolite? She had to call the brunette, tell her how sorry she was for last night.  
"I slept while Sara was here. That's so embarrassing. I did everything to make myself look stupid. The clothes I wore, the appearance of the apartment, the way I act when she rang the doorbell, only to top all of these things by falling asleep. She must think I'm impolite and was very bored with her being over. If I ever had a chance of another date, it's gone now. Why would she wants to watch me sleeping again? I doubt I look that interesting when I lay on my back and snore to the rhythm of my beer bottles."   
She got up. Time to get her life back on tracks. First a coffee, shower and then she'd clean her place, go shopping and call Sara. Being a nightshift person, the brunette was asleep now, they all kept their rhythm, even on their day offs and Sara had to be back in the lab tonight.   
While the coffee machine ran, she took a shower, put on some clean clothes, threw the dirty things in the washing machine and went back into the kitchen. Now she saw the note on the fridge. You better fill this one up with food, you owe me dinner and I want it tonight - cooked by yourself. Get some fresh vegetables, I'm not happy with a pizza from a supermarket! Sara left her this note, her name was written under it. An order to go shopping.   
Justice came into the kitchen to remind her, he was hungry. Lucky for him there was cat food on the living room table. Sara must have bought it at one point, making sure the kitten was taken care of. Sofia put a generous portion in his bowl, took a big sip of her coffee and went to her stereo sound system. Sara wanted dinner tonight, here, cooked by her. Meant, she had to clean the place, go shopping and get ready for tonight. There was no time left, so she better started right away to be ready whenever the brunette arrived.   
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started!  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party started  
Get this party started on a Saturday night  
Everybody's waitin' for me to arrive  
Sendin' out the message to all of my friends  
Yes, this was exactly what she needed now. She needed power, she needed something to push herself and P!nk was perfect for that. It wasn't exactly a party she prepared, but when Sara wanted to be here, it was better. It was like a date, without the name date. She waited for the brunette to arrive, come over and have dinner with her - without falling asleep again.   
Makin' my connection as I enter the room  
Everybody's chillin' as I set up the groove  
Pumpin' up the volume with this brand new beat  
Everybody's dancin' and their dancin' for me  
I'm your operator, you can call anytime  
I'll be your connection to the party line  
I'm comin' up so you better get this party  
Yes, tonight she'd be prepared for Sara. Tonight the brunette would see a completely different apartment and a new Sofia. Awake, clean, organized with more than dust in the fridge. It was a lot of work laying ahead, but hey, when you started a marathon and knew at the finish line waited for you the thing you wished most for your whole life, you'd ran this distance, fight every mile only to get to what you want. And if she had to bent over backwards to get everything perfect for tonight, she'd do that. Never again Sara was supposed to see her the way she did yesterday.   
"I will look very ridiculous now, Justice, I'm aware of that so no need to give me the loony eyes." She stuffed a cold slice of pizza in her mouth and started dancing from one leg to the other, moved her hands and arms like a robot. Sara was coming over tonight. Sara would be back in her apartment. A few more hours with Sara, her Sara, the most beautiful woman in the world.   
Still dancing she grabbed her clothes, that were shared all over the floor, threw it into the big laundry basket, continued with dishes and other things, that lay around, opened the windows to get fresh air inside. Next stop bedroom, she had to change sheets - yes that was a very happy and not very realistic thinking that she might have company in bed any time soon, but they were due for a trip into the washing machine anyway. And she felt better when she prepared everything, really everything, for Sara.   
Oh god! What was she supposed to cook tonight? The only thing she could prepare was a steak and that wasn't what you offered a vegetarian. So, she had to learn how to cook a three star vegetarian dinner until tonight. Didn't she always say she liked challenges? This was a challenge, a real challenge. But it was her change to make Sara happy and that was worth everything. 

Try

"Wow, somebody tidied up a little bit - and left her sweat pants in the closet." Sara grinned when Sofia let her into her apartment a little bit after six. The timing of the brunette was perfect, the blonde finished her apartment and herself ten minutes ago.   
"When I know somebody comes along I tidy up."  
"So you're not such a bad host?"  
"No." Sofia felt her face turned red. "I'm really sorry I fell asleep, you must think I'm a horrible person."  
"I prefer to believe you were a very tired person and now you're awake, look much better than before and happier. These few hours of sleep seemed to be exactly what you needed. How long did you sleep?"  
"Noon." The blonde mumbled.   
"Very good, sixteen hours."  
"I was so embarrassed when I woke up and realized what I did."  
"Why?"  
"Because you were here, you organized food and beer and I fell asleep after two hours. I'm so sorry, Sara. Really. How long did you stay?"  
"When you fell asleep I cleaned our dinner mess up, promised your watch tiger I go and get some cat food so he can have real food today and left him some of the dry food in his bowl, in case you sleep a little bit longer - which you did."  
"Yeah…thanks."  
"You look much better rested. The shadows under your eyes are almost gone, since you used make-up tonight they're invisible. Did you eat when you woke up?"  
"I finished the pizza leftover."  
"And what did you plan for dinner tonight? I hope it's not steak."  
"Steak is the only dish I can cook…so you have to live with an experience." Sofia went into the kitchen, opened the freezer and pulled a bag with frozen vegetable ready in sauce out.   
"Amazing, you plan to cook mixed vegetables."  
"I heat it up, add some fries to it and uhm…how am I supposed to replace the meat?" How could she know so less about vegetarians when she was in love with one? Not a good way to impress Sara with no knowledge. The last two days she didn't score many points, couldn't impress her.   
"You don't."  
"But what do you eat? Only fries and vegetables?"  
"Looks like."  
"I feel bad and guilty again."  
"Stop doing this, we'll be fine with what you have. Oh and I picked up this." Sara pulled an envelope out of her pocket. "You should do something about your mailbox, everybody can pull out the letters."  
"Another envelope. Oh well, lets see what the secret person sent today…or yesterday. I didn't check my mailbox when I came back from shopping.   
Ever wonder about what he's doing  
How it all turned to lies  
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why  
"You know this song?" Sara asked.  
"Sure, it's 'Try', one of my favorites. Very sad and unfortunately very often true. Don't you sometimes think about what somebody is doing at the very same moment?" She did it a lot, thinking about Sara, what she thought, did.  
"Sometimes. And I'm quite sure people often lie to each other and I'm sure, you should only ask questions, when you're sure you can take any kind of possible answer."  
Sara was right and it hurt. Sofia thought a few times about asking Sara if she was dating somebody and besides the fear the brunette got angry because she got too much into her private life, she feared it was the truth and she had no idea what to do when she told her, she was in love with somebody else.   
"Yeah."  
Where there is desire  
There is gonna be a flame  
Where there is a flame  
Someone's bound to get burned  
But just because it burns  
Doesn't mean you're gonna die  
You've gotta get up and try try try  
Gotta get up and try try try  
You gotta get up and try try try  
"She tells us we should try even when it hurts." Sofia put the vegetables into a pot and turned on the oven.   
"You try, it hurts, you won't die and keep trying until you got what you wanted."   
"Maybe. Beer?"   
"As an appetizer? Sure."  
The blonde opened the fridge and got them both a bottle of beer.   
Funny how the heart can be deceiving  
More than just a couple times  
Why do we fall in love so easy  
Even when it's not right  
"So basically she tells you, even when you fall for the wrong one all the time, when your heart is a bad judge of characters, you should go on trying, try it again and again. No matter what. Until you have what you want, keep trying."  
"She does." Sofia bit on her lips. Give it a try. Fight for it, even when don't get what you want, it's better to try and fail than never try. She got that and maybe…maybe she should do exactly that. Which could lead to the end of the evening, the immediately end and not another chance for a dinner with Sara. A lot of to risk, a small chance to win.   
"Now you got the message, what are you doing with it?"  
"Maybe the biggest mistake in my life." Sofia sighed.   
"What do you mean?" Sara looked irritated the blonde.   
"I mean…" Her telephone rang. Not now! This was an important moment, she had no time for the phone.   
"You don't want to get that?"  
"No, the answering machine can get it."  
"I'd be mad when you ignore my call and let the answering machine take it."  
"You can call my cell phone and when I see your number I take the call."  
"Privileges for me, nice."  
Sofia smiled. If Sara had any ideas how many privileges she had, how special she was to Sofia. She should tell her, hope she understood and maybe…maybe give her a chance…  
"Honey, here's your mother. Why don't you return my calls? I went to your apartment today, you didn't open the door. Don't forget dinner, Harold looks forward to see you." Her mother's voice came out of the phone.   
"Harold?" Sara looked amused at Sofia. "Is that your date?"  
"That's my mom's choice for me. She called three times today to remind me of the dinner."  
"Must be important."  
"Not to me and I won't go there. I told her to stay out of my private life, stop inviting me to dinner with men, she chose as a possible sons-in-law. I wonder why she doesn't stay out of my life."  
"Do you think ignoring her calls and not open the door when she comes here will help?"  
"Until I see her at a scene it will."  
"Then she wants answers…or that you obey."  
"More that I obey…anyway, I think I start on the fries, the vegetables won't take much longer." Maybe she could tell Sara about her feelings after dinner. Or while they ate. On the other hand, she didn't feel like another downfall, her mother's call was enough. When Sara left mad because of Sofia's feelings, the blonde had no idea what to do. Don't ask questions if you can't take any possible answers. The answer or respond, Sara didn't want to see her anymore, didn't want any contact with her anymore was something, she couldn't take. At the moment she was better off with what she had, even when it hurt very often, than risking a dismissal of the other woman. 

Stay the night

After dinner and the third beer they were back in the living room from the kitchen. Sara insisted on helping Sofia clean the kitchen and because she had tonight off too, she could have beer too.   
"Shall we give the movies another try?"  
"I promise I won't fall asleep after ten minutes again." Tonight she was rested and wanted to be awake while Sara was around.   
"Good. What happened to your tiger? I haven't seen him today."  
"He's scared."  
"I buy food for him, feed him and he's scared?"  
"Yes…he had…some less nice experiences with human…Justice? Come here, Baby, come to mommy." A few seconds later her kitten peeked around the corner, suspicious looking at Sara.   
"Come on, you met her yesterday, she petted you, you know she won't hurt you. Come here, baby, come into my arms." Making a little detour around the couch table Justice got onto Sofia's lap. "Good boy, you can't let me sit here alone, I need you on my lap." She kissed him on the head.   
"He's like a dog, you call him and he comes. Very good trained."  
"I never trained him, he does this because he wants it, like to be with me. Like I said, he had some less nice experiences with human, I found him in a dumpster, covered in his own blood. Somebody pulled off most of his claws, burnt his fur, kicked him and broke a rip. The vet needed some time to fix him, almost lost him twice and since he's here with me, he stays away from people. This is his safe haven, he can be sure nothing happens to him, that I take care of him. Letting you pet him yesterday was more than he let anybody else do. Give him a few more minutes and you might be allowed to pet him again."  
"I wait until he's ready to come to me. People can suck, can't they Justice? Your mommy will make sure nobody will ever hurt you again."  
"And he thanks it with unconditional love. Do you want some sausage later? I bought some, your favorite brand."  
"Does he also have a favorite movie?"  
"No, he can sleep with any kind of movie. Did I tell you that I love you?" Sofia kissed the kitten again.  
"Not lately." Sara grinned.   
"Uhm…" Sofia swallowed. She talked to Justice even when these words also fit on the brunette. But she'd never dare to say them out loud.   
"Yeah, you meant Justice, I got you. Where are your potato chips?"  
"Kitchen, I get them."  
"Stay here with the tiger, I get them and a new beer for us."  
"Thanks." Sofia pulled Justice in her arms and whispered in his ear. "Is my face very red? It feels like it's on fire. Do you think she knows it? If I weren't such a coward I'd tell her but I can't. Not today. I don't want to blew it, I blew so many moments with her, today is supposed to be good. How am I doing so far?"  
"Are you talking to Justice or yourself?" Sara came back with a big bag of potato chips and two bottles of beer.   
"To Justice, he's a really great listener, the problem is, whenever he answers, I've got problems to get him. We need to work on this, buddy."  
"Maybe you have to listen more carefully when he answers. Usually cats are very specific in what they want."  
"They are and they know what they want. Can I ask you something? Even when the question is a little bit…weird?"  
"You can give it a try."  
"Okay…uhm…I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything like that, I'm just wondering, how comes you're here? Why did you come along yesterday? You've got two days off, why do you spend them with me? Before yesterday you've never been here and I had no idea you want to spend any time with me."  
"Let me turn the tables on you: Why did you let me in? You opened the door although you weren't in a mood to let anybody in. And you turned your place, that looked like a dump yesterday into a clean and nice spot today. Why?"  
"I asked first." And you don't like my answers.   
"I came here because I worried about you. The last times I saw you, you looked like you're in a bad condition, I wanted to make sure you are fine. And frankly, when I saw you yesterday, I thought I was right. You looked like hell and it weren't the clothes. Greg worries too but he was sure, you're more likely to open the door to me, didn't say why."  
"He's right…I'm…like I told you yesterday, there were…are a few things in my life, that aren't the way I'd like them to have, but I'm working on them and…it was good to have you here yesterday, even when I fell asleep so fast…but it helped to have you here, talk with you. And the food. I really needed to eat a little bit."  
"You did."  
"You really worried about me?"  
"Is that so hard to believe?"  
"Well…you didn't seem to be very interested in anything than your cell phone…that hasn't rang so far. Is it on mute again?"  
"Yes. And just because I had a few things going on beside work, it doesn't mean I'm blind to what's going on."  
"You're a smart woman."  
"So are you usual, when you eat and sleep. Can I do anything to make you eat and sleep even when I'm not around? Because tomorrow I've to work again."  
There were a lot of things Sara could do to make her happy, make her eat and sleep very good. The problem was, she couldn't tell her about them. Or should she? Was it worth a try? Her song lyrics of the day told her to try, try, try. But what if she ruined everything? There was a chance Sara came back to her place for more food and movies, one wrong word, a wrong comment and all she built up in the last twenty-six hours was gone.   
"Sofia?"  
"Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts. No need to worry, I'll be fine. I promise."  
"Good." That was Sara, not asking any question if you didn't talk about what was going on voluntary.   
"How did you go home last night?"  
"I called a cab, why?"  
"Do you want to stay?" Wow, she managed to say these words without stutter.   
"Stay?"  
"Yes…there's no point in taking a cab, not only my kitchen and living room are clean, there are also clean sheets on my bed. You can have my bed and I sleep here, since last night I know, this is a very good place to sleep. Stay, save the money for the cab." She saw the surprise in Sara's eyes, surprise not…decline or anger.   
"We see about it when it's time, it's no problem to take a cab, I did it a few times."  
"Like there's no reason to leave, but yes, we see about it tomorrow morning. Hey, why don't we watch all three parts of Lord of the rings?" Change the topic, don't beg, don't push. You were so brave, you asked her to stay. One step closer to tell her what you really feel. But maybe it was better to wait with this until she was sure, Sara was fine with such…declaration. At the moment she was fine, she was sure she could sleep better and go back to normal eating. She had to, Sara wanted her to do exactly this and how could she not fulfill a wish of the brunette?  
"Sure, why not. Do you need anything for Justice before we get comfy here?"  
"I get him his sausage, a new beer for us, a bottle of water in case we get thirsty for something else than alcohol and chocolate. I need my daily chocolate." Actually, chocolate was the only thing she were able to eat all the time.   
"Anything I can do?"  
"Like Bourbon?"  
"Who doesn't?"  
"See the bottle over there? Get it, two glasses and I organize some ice for it. We are having a party night while they fight for the ring…it will be a long night. Wake me up in case I fall asleep."   
"No, I let you sleep."  
"Don't. I need to keep my rhythm just like you do."  
"Okay, we make sure we're both awake."  
And Sofia had a lot of ideas how to stay awake all night without watching movies. Something else she better kept to herself. Anyway, a night with Sara lay ahead, didn't it sound like a dream come true? 

The truth about love

A week later Sofia was back at work and the best thing about it was, she had a case with Sara. Both worked a case in the desert, a car accident, one dead, five injured. It was their job to find out, who was responsible for the two cars being more one than two cars.   
"What do you think?" Sara asked when they took a little break.   
"I think we have a few hours of overtime in front of us." Sofia leant onto the police car. "Any guesses so far?"  
"No evidence to tell you a story."  
"You don't need evidence for a story, you need imagination."  
"I don't get paid to tell stories. Not even when we're having a break. Why don't you tell me one? Got another envelope?"  
"I did, yesterday."  
"Good one?"  
"About the truth about love."  
"Did you find it?"  
"P!nk didn't find it, neither did I."  
The truth about lovecomes at 3 am  
You wake up fucked up  
And you grab a pen  
And you say to yourself  
I'm gonna figure it out  
I'm gonny crack that code  
It was three in the morning, she hadn't found the truth about love, but her true love was right next to her. When was she able to tell her this? No need to wake up and grab a pen, didn't have to crack a code, it was all clear to her. She loved Sara and…Sara had no clue about it. Still.   
"Luckily all you have to find out is the truth about what went on here, might be much easier."  
"We have to figure it out." Like they could figure out the truth about love if Sara didn't mind. Gosh, it was about time to talk to her about her feelings. Her sleep wasn't that good as it was a week ago, she slept a few hours, but the two nights Sara stayed in the apartment until she was asleep, were much better.   
"We will."  
A strange fascination  
It is lips on toes  
Morning breath, bedroom eyes  
On a smiling face  
Sheets marks rug burn  
There was a strange fascination about Sara, always had been. Her lips, she hadn't seen Sara's toes yet, knew her morning breath with beer and whiskey or coffee, unfortunately had no clue about the bedroom eyes, but about a big smile on her face. And the sheets and rug stuff…she had various dreams about that.   
"Are you still here or are you somewhere else?" Sara's word got her back into reality.   
"Just lost in a thought."   
I think you just may be perfect  
You're the person of my dreams  
I've never ever ever ever  
Ever been this happy  
She knew Sara was perfect, the person of her dreams, but Sara had no clue about it. How tell her? Just use the words of the song? Tell her exactly these four lines and see what happens? If she did, she knew the truth about Sara's feelings towards her. Could be very good, could be very bad.   
"Sofia!"   
The blonde turned when she heard her name and she knew who called her without seeing the face.   
"Captain." Her mother was here. For almost two weeks she managed to get away with not seeing her mother, didn't appear to the dinner with Howard, talked to her only briefly on the phone.   
"You're having a break, you can call me mother. I arranged another dinner with Howard after you weren't in town for the last one."  
The first lie she ever managed to make her mother believe. Officially she had been away, that was the reason why she couldn't come over for dinner.   
"I don't want to meet him."  
"He's a nice guy…or is there another man in your life? Did you meet somebody while you were on vacation?"  
"No, I didn't meet a man and there is no man in my life."  
"So there's no reason to not take this chance. Tonight, seven sharp."  
"Mom, I don't want to meet Howard and…I've no time for it."  
"What can he more important than dinner with your parents?"  
"Sofia and me planned to go out for dinner tonight." Sara said out of the blue.   
"Well, Miss Sidle, I'm sure you understand why it's important Sofia comes over, she has to meet Howard."  
"Did it ever occur to you your daughter doesn't want to meet Howard because there's somebody else in her life?"  
"Who? She just said she didn't meet a man."  
"Do you tell her, or shall I tell her, Honey?"   
Honey? Sofia wasn't sure if her ears worked correctly and if her heart was still beating. Sara called her Honey. This left her with two possibilities: first, she could act like it was a friendly comment, like a close friend called you sometimes Honey. Or second, she could take it as Sara was her girlfriend. It was up to her, the ball was in her hands, the brunette played it to her, aware of the two possibilities. Sara was willing to get into trouble with Sofia's mother in order to end this endless torture of dating strange men.   
"Mom, I'm not interested in dating men, I'm interested in dating women." Hey, that wasn't a lie and she never said, she dated Sara. The way her mother looked at her and Sara told her, the Captain understood she and the brunette dated. And there was no happiness in her eyes Quite contrary, there was disgust.   
"This is not funny."  
"No, it's the truth." The truth about love, about Sofia's love.   
"If you're serious…you can't be, but when you really want to do this, this…not natural thing, I'm sorry to tell you, you're not our daughter any longer."  
"Mom, please."  
"No, you choose. Your natural family, the way of life you're supposed to live or…" Captain Curtis looked at Sara. "This. Unnatural way of life, the wrong way."  
"You want me out of your life because I love women?" She still hadn't said she was in love with Sara, left it to her mother's fantasy.  
"I don't have a daughter who loves women. So, what is it? The right way or the wrong way?"  
Sofia swallowed. She never expected her mother would react like this. Okay, she didn't expect happiness, after all, her mother wanted grandchildren, but she also thought, her mother wanted her happy. Now she knew, her mother wanted her the way she imagined her daughter to be and nothing else. She preferred to lose her daughter than except her having her own life.   
"I can't change my feelings."  
"Then I can't change the fact I don't have a daughter anymore." Captain Curtis turned and walked away, never looking back.   
"Fuck." Sofia clenched her teeth and fists. Don't cry. Stay calm, it's too late. Yes, she could run after her mother, tell her she was sorry, tell her all the things she wanted to hear, the problem was, those things would be lies. She didn't want to lie anymore.   
"I'm sorry." Sara pulled her into her arms. "I'm really sorry. I had no idea she'd react like this. I had never said what I did if I had had any idea this would happen."  
"Not your fault and…" Screw it, it was bad already, why not make it even worse? "It's not a lie. I do love women and when my mother doesn't accept this, wants me out of her life, there's nothing I can do. I can't change my feelings, can't change whom I love."  
"And there's nothing wrong about it, nothing unnatural. Don't let her make you believe this. You hear me? There's nothing wrong with you nor your feelings."  
Sofia got herself out of Sara's arms. She needed some space. "Give me five more minutes, I need a little walk and will be back at the scene by then. Is that okay?"  
"Are you sure you want to be alone?"  
"Yes. Please."  
"Okay. If you need me, call me, I'll be here. Here for you."  
"Thanks."   
But now something has changed  
And the truth about love is  
It's all a lie  
I thought you were the one  
And I hate goodbyes  
Yeah, something changed. Her life, the life she knew, was over. She knew her mother, when the Captain said, she didn't have a daughter anymore, she meant it. Sofia wasn't a part of their life anymore. From now on she had to live her life without her parents. Parents, who preferred a lie over the truth. And she hated goodbyes, they always hurt. But nothing ever hurt as much as the goodbye of her mother. A mother, who despised her. For loving the - in her mother's eyes - wrong person. 

Family portrait

Sofia had no idea how she survived the night, how she managed to function and do her job. She even closed the case, found the reason for the deadly accident. One driver was stoned, lost control and caused the accident. Nevertheless, everything felt like her head was filled with cotton, everything sounded dull, like she walked barefoot on broken glass and suffered a huge hangover. It was a miracle she didn't caused another accident herself when she drove back to the department.   
No envelope in her locker, well she had one in there last night. Plus there were other things on her mind. Shall she drive to her parent's place and talk to her mother? Her father? They couldn't really kick her out of their life, could they? They always said they love her, this couldn't change just because Sofia was in love with a woman. The thing was, she wasn't involved with one, she was in love with Sara and…it wouldn't make a difference to her mother, she knew it. A decision the Captain made was a final decision.   
"Give me your car keys." Sofia flinched when she heard the voice behind her. Sara stood at the doorframe, watched her.   
"What?"  
"Give me your car keys."  
"Why?"  
"Because you won't drive. You're in no condition to drive, don't argue with me. Give me your keys."  
"I'm…not fine."  
"I can see that. Keys." The brunette stepped in front of her, hands open.  
Sofia let her keys fell into Sara's hand.   
"Thanks. Can you take me home?"  
"I can take you home or to breakfast. Greg wants to have breakfast with us, but I can absolutely understand when you don't have the head for it."  
"Well…I don't…but…maybe it helps. He always cheers me up. Will you drive me home afterwards or do I get my keys back?"  
"I drive you home and I stay if you want."  
"Really?" Sara offered to stay over? She must really look bad, worse than ever before. What really worried Sofia was the fact, she couldn't feel the happiness about it, she should feel.   
"Really. So we have breakfast with Greg?"  
"Yes." She got up and let Sara drive her to the diner, where they had dinner the last time. Greg was already there. When he saw Sofia he dropped the cutlery.   
"What happened to you? Are you all right?"  
"Working on it."   
"She needs chocolate, give her your donut." Sara ordered and immediately Sofia had Greg's donut. He never tried to argue, saw this was an emergency.   
"Are you injured?"  
"Physically I'm fine. Sara, could you…?"  
"I get your breakfast, sure."   
"Thanks." Sara understood Sofia wanted to talk to Greg alone, wanted to tell him what happened last night.   
"What's wrong, Sofia?" He took her hand.   
"I met my mom at the scene last night, she wanted me over for another dinner date. She accepts you and me will never get married and her new focus is on a man from the neighborhood. I told her I'm not interested and…and then I told her, I'm not interested in men anymore. I told them I love women and my mom said, if I'm serious, I'm not their daughter anymore. It's wrong and unnatural. I can't change my feelings and she said, she doesn't have a daughter anymore." Great, now the tears were here and she couldn't hold them back. Without words Greg handed her his napkins, slipped next to her and pulled her in his arms.   
"Don't stop it, let it all out, it's okay. I've got you."  
"Greg…Sara doesn't know…I mean…" It was hard to talk with all the tears, she barely could control herself. "…mom thinks we're a couple because Sara called me Honey before…please don't tell her…"  
"I won't say a word, I promised you weeks ago. It's between you and me, don't worry."  
"Thanks."   
"She comes back, looks pretty worried. Sofia, she cares for you, that's for sure. You hear me? You're not alone, you've got her and me here with you and we won't leave you."  
"You get a chocolate lover breakfast." Sara sat next to Sofia.   
"Thanks."  
"I can't believe your mother acted like this." Greg shook his head.  
"I'm not worth being loved anymore."  
"Bullshit. For a smart police captain she is pretty low in the personal and family business. You don't punish your child because it's gay…or bi…or whatever. It's not like you did something wrong. Nobody can change their feelings, people who say different have no clue about true feelings. It's like blaming your for your blue eyes…very beautiful blue eyes. Do you think we can get the tears out of them?" He wiped a tear away. "Much better. Deep blue is nicer than tear blue." He kissed her forehead.   
"Don't make me laugh."  
"Why not? You look cuter when you laugh, doesn't she, Sara?"  
"Definitely. I like you happy more than sad, but that doesn't mean I leave you alone only because you're sad. And I'm sorry for what your mother did…and what I said. If I hadn't called you Honey, you had come up with an excuse, get around the dinner and everything would be…the way it was."  
"But the way it was, was wrong. You have no reasons to feel sorry or guilty, you helped to be honest, tell my mother the truth and I'm…I'm glad you were there. I've no idea if I could have made it through the night without you."  
"When she said you weren't her daughter anymore, that your feelings are wrong and unnatural I wanted to slap her until her brain worked again. I felt like, there had to be a loose connection and when I hit her head hard a couple of times, it had to go back to normal. If anybody does act unnatural it's her. A mother is supposed to love her child, no matter what. A mother, who despises her child for her feelings, is a bad mother. Doesn't deserve to be mother."  
"She thinks different."  
"She's wrong. Breakfast is coming."   
Sofia sat upright, wiped her eyes again with the napkins and tried to put on a happier face. She hoped, she didn't look too bad, with red eyes, probably make-up all over her face.   
"You look like you need the chocolate breakfast." The waitress only said when she saw Sofia. "I put an extra marshmallow in your hot chocolate. Real milk, no water."  
"Thanks."  
"You're welcome, whoever hurt you isn't worth crying over. They never are. If they were, they wouldn't make you cry. Vegetarian for you." She put the breakfast in front of Sara. "And the standard one for the man. Enjoy your meal."  
"Thanks." Greg smiled. "The waitress is a smart woman."  
"Because she got our orders right?" Sofia asked.   
"No, because of what she said. People, who are worth to cry over, don't make you cry. All the others aren't worth crying over."  
"I try to remember that. Guess, the family portrait has to be changed."  
"You get a new one, with us on it." Sara took Sofia's hand. "Your new family doesn't share your DNA, but the good thing is, you can choose whom you want inside your clan. See the two invisible applications on the table?"  
"I did see them, they're approved." Sofia smiled a little bit. A new family? With Sara and Greg as their members? She hoped she could choose who took which part. She wanted Sara to be her wife and Greg as her brother. But it was better to keep the exactly family member descriptions to herself. Well, probably Greg knew then, it was enough when he knew. At this point. No more truth about love, no more explanations of her feelings, this had gotten her into trouble once today and she didn't need a second time. Even when after the last night Sofia was almost sure, Sara wouldn't freak out when she told her the truth. She acted not like she would. Anyway, not today. No more complications today or tomorrow. After last night she needed a few quiet days to get used to the new life…it would be hard, would make her cry more often and there would be the hope, her parents change their minds…and this hope would stay for a long time…

Respect

Since her mother decided she didn't have a daughter anymore, her telephone was very quiet. No more calls, no more dinner invitations, no more dinner dates, she was supposed to come to. She hated to admit it, but she missed the calls sometimes. Like she missed driving over to her parent's place and be with them. A couple of times she had dialed their number, ready to talk to them, find out, if her mother had changed her mind, but she ended the call all the time before her mother's phone rang. Her mother didn't change her mind and to hear this, it would hurt her too much.   
There were good news too! Yes, her life was not only shit, even when it felt like this sometimes. Sara had a key to Sofia's apartment. She didn't ask for it, she demanded it and the blonde had to admit, the brunette was very sexy when she demanded something. Said, she wanted to be able to get inside whenever she felt, Sofia needed help and refused to open the door. Why would she not let Sara inside? What strange thought was that?   
Soft, little steps on her blanket told her Justice was back on her bed, made his way up to her face, waking her up. The meow he let out was a reproachful. His bowl must be empty and he demanded her to get out of bed and change that. Like Sara, he was very cute when he demanded something - the difference was, when she didn't act fast enough, he bit into her calves.   
"Dinner time? Again? Already? It can't be this late, can it?"  
His head bumped into his. Yes, it was this late. He was hungry.   
"Okay, okay, I get up and get you your food. Men. They are so unable to control their needs, horrible, no wonder I decided to date women. You heard that, Justice? You made me date women, it's all your fault…or Sara because she's so wonderful."  
The meow got more annoyed.   
"Yes, I'm already out of bed, see, I stand upright and…wow, it's seven, I take everything back, you're right, it is dinner time. Sorry, I slept in." The first time in a while and it felt good. Getting the cat food our of the fridge she decided to decorate it with some bacon. Unfortunately it took longer than just pouring food into the bowl.   
"Ouch! Stop that? I'm not your dinner!" Sofia jumped up when Justice bit her into her left calf. "Here, eat this." She dropped some bacon on the floor to buy herself some time. Before he could attack her again she had the bowl down, took the sandwich she left in the fridge in the morning and went into her living room. Time for the envelope, she found this morning in her locker, but was too tired to read. She gave up finding out who sent them, only enjoyed them, they always made her think and gave her some quiet time.   
When me and all my girls  
Go walking down the street  
It seems we can't go anywhere  
Without a car that goes 'Beep-beep'  
'Cause this body is a priceless piece  
Of lovin' unconditionally  
It had been a while that somebody beeped the horn because she walked down the street, but there were times when she was younger, that this happened to her. Gave her an ego boost most times. She thought her body was a priceless piece, now she wasn't sure about that anymore. If her body was this great, how comes Sara could resist it? And her body and mind loved Sara unconditionally.   
Mirror, mirror on the wall, damn I sure look fine  
I can't blame those horny boys, I would make me mine  
When I pass you in a club, "Ooh, lala", you gasp  
Back up boy, I ain't your toy or your piece of ass  
Did she look fine? Yeah, when she got enough sleep and didn't cry she looked good. She knew it. and like in the song, all the horny guys better backed-off because her body wasn't their toy nor was her ass theirs. It was all exclusively owned by Sara. Without having the brunette known about it. She owned Sofia and didn't know it.   
"Hello Mister Great White Shark, are you here to give me a kiss or do you feel like more human meat? Can I keep you with me or is it safer for myself to run away and hide in the bathtub?" She chuckled when Justice joined her. Her kitten ignored her and sat on the top of the couch.   
"You know, Sara might come along before work, we have dinner with Greg."   
Justice looked at her like he couldn't care less. In reality he wasn't scared of Sara anymore and the last time she came over, he even greeted her. Playing the cool cat didn't work with Sofia, she knew her tiger.   
"You like her too, don't be Mister Macho Man." The only reaction she got was that Justice yawned and showed her how sharp his teeth were and the bites she complained about, were no real bites, only cute little love nibbles.   
"So my envelope today tells me I should show more respect towards myself, treat myself better. Easy to say, I try to treat me good, the problem is, other people don't. I don't want to think about what happens when the guy in the department find out I changed teams. There won't be only this kind of envelopes left in my locker, that's for sure. A lot of them are just as open-minded as my mother…and she's my mother. Imagine them!"   
She put the sheet of paper aside. Another one for her collection. A shoe box with messages from a stranger. For a detective this was a poor show. A real detective had found out by now who was behind it. But what for? When she found out, the messages stop and she liked them. Let them coming until they were through with all P!nk songs.   
With Sara and her cell phone…both, she and Greg, weren't any step closer to the solution. Sara still received messages during the night, not that many anymore. Greg mentioned two days ago, when they talked about it the last time, the big 'newly in love time' might be over and Sara and whoever got over to normal. The brunette hadn't mention anybody in her life, there had never been evidence of a man or a woman in her life. Besides of the text messages. And three days, she had been gone without telling them to where. The good thing was, she kept in contact with Sofia during this time. For these three days, she had been the one, who sent Sara text messages. She wished she could be the secret writer all the other times too.   
So, two months were over, she had no clue about anything going in the two secret cases, was back on maxed on overtime, meant she was supposed to take a few days off soon, her parents weren't a part of her life anymore, but they got replaced by Greg and Sara. Was it a good exchange? Sofia wasn't sure. She missed her parents, even when it hurt. But she couldn't go on lying any longer. It was hard enough not to tell Sara the truth. One day, probably one day soon, she had too. Until then she enjoyed the time with the brunette. 

The three musketeers

To Sofia's surprise there was another envelope in her locker when she finished shift this morning. Her secret writer seemed to have a flash. Open it here or at home? Here, giving her something to think about on her way home. She ripped the envelope open and gasped for air. Was she asleep or was this for real? This wasn't a sheet of papers, this was another ticket. Another ticket to a P!nk concert. This time not in Vegas, it was in Washington D.C., the last concert of her tour. Vegas opened it, Washington closed it. And she got a ticket.   
"Hey, are you free for breakfast?" Sara's head popped up around the corner.  
"Uhm sure." For Sara, she was free for everything. Breakfast, lunch, dinner…they didn't have dinner together for a while. Only the two of them.   
"Perfect, Greg's waiting. Got a new love letter?"  
"I wish I had a love letter, can't remember the last time I got one, really sad."  
"You want a love letter from a colleague? Sounds like you're asking for trouble and complications."  
"My life is trouble and complicated, one more doesn't change a thing. Plus, some love in my life…would be nice. Somebody who wants me instead of hating me. I mean, I lost my parents for a relationship I don't have…so I should get myself a girlfriend, show my parents how horrible I am, but at least have somebody, who holds me tight at night…day…I miss being in somebody's arms." She checked if somebody else than Sara heard her words. What was she thinking, saying these things out loud here at work? With dozen of cop ears around?   
"Sounds like you need a chocolate breakfast again." Sara squeezed her hand. "Come on, lets go out of here, too many people are around, you don't want them know everything about your private life." The brunette pulled her out of the room. She was right, this wasn't the right place and of course Sara worried about privacy.   
Greg was already in the diner, waiting for them. So were three muffins.   
"Hi, I thought I order some muffins as a starter. Apparently women always like muffins."  
"Chocolate cookies muffins, you're the best." Sofia kissed his cheek.   
"Thanks…I buy them more often when I get kissed for it. Sara, didn't you forget to kiss me?"  
"I'm not that excited to have a chocolate cookie muffin, sorry."  
"She pretends to be hard and not caring, but when we were in a movie last night, she kissed my cheek because I cried."  
"You cried in a movie?" Actually, what Sofia really wanted to ask was: why are you and Sara in a movie? Did you have a date? Was there something going on between Greg and Sara? Something Sofia didn't know of? A relationship, they kept as a secret. Was the secret text message writer gone because of Greg? Pain increased, moved from her lower guts to her heart. Did she lose Sara? Even when Greg was the best possibility to lose Sara to, it hurt. The thought hurt.   
"Yeah, we went to a cool sci-fiction movie and one part was really sad…or I'm a pussy."  
"All men cried when the robot died, he built all the cool cars." Sara chuckled.   
"We get so soft when it comes to cars. The next time we watch a romance, you can cry on my shoulder and I comfort you’re the whole night."  
"In your dreams, Greggo. Don't make it sound like we had a date, we were out to watch a movie. Everything else was in your mind."   
Sara had no idea how happy she made Sofia, telling her the truth. No date, no romance. Only a night out like friends did sometimes. Better, much better.   
"I liked the pictures in my mind more than the movie."  
"Of course, little dreamer. So, what kind of song text did you get tonight?" Sara looked at Sofia. "I assume that was the love letter you found in your locker."  
"Oh, yes…no song text, much better. I got another ticket."  
"P!nk comes back to Vegas?"   
"You got another ticket?" Greg's jaw almost dropped down on the table.   
"I got a ticket for her show in Washington, the last concert of her tour. Isn't that great? I mean, it's in Washington, I've no idea how to get there, if it makes more sense to sell it and buy a ticket for Vegas the next time she's here. Then again, it's the last night of the tour, I bet it'll be a special concert."  
"I don't believe you got another ticket. How is that possible? And why Washington?" Greg shook his head.   
"Like I said, the last concert, a special concert. Whoever leaves these envelopes made me another, very expensive present."  
"And that's why you should go." Sara said. "You're maxed on overtime anyway, ask for a week off, Jim will be happy to give it to you. Treat yourself, Sofia. You deserve it after the last weeks."  
"Justice?" The blonde asked. She couldn't let her kitten stay alone for a week.   
"There is no justice when you get two tickets and I get none." Greg complained.  
"I'm talking about my kitten, the man in my house, Greggo. He is a smart cat, but he can't get his own food. Sara, could you…?"  
"Sure, I take care of the tiger. When is the concert?"   
"In two weeks."  
"Oh…that might be a problem. I'm away for three nights in this time."  
"Your secret dates out of town?" Greg grinned.   
"None of your business. Sorry Sofia. Maybe Mister Gossip can look after Justice. He doesn't have to like him, only open the cans for him and make sure there's enough water. Do you think that's possible, Greg?"  
"Sure, I can handle a cat. Don't waste your ticket, Sofia. Enjoy Washington, P!nk and get me an autograph."  
"The last thing is difficult…okay, I go but not for a whole week. three nights, tops, I tend to two. Fly there early in the morning, have a few hours to look around, go to the concert at night, sleep in the next day, a few more hours for Washington and back to Vegas the next morning. I really don't want Justice to be alone a long time."  
"Sounds like a solid plan and a few days away will be good for you." Sara smiled.   
"Yeah…"  
"I met your mother last night at my scene." The way Greg said these words made it clear, the meeting wasn't a nice one.   
"What did she say?"  
"Nothing."  
"Nothing? That's not a lot. Did you talk to her only about the case?" Somewhere deep inside her, Sofia hoped her mother asked questions about how she was, what she was doing. A little sign that she still cared, that there was a chance, they could get back together.   
"Mostly."  
"Mostly means, you also talked about private things."  
"I tried." It was obvious Greg regretted he mentioned Sofia's mother. He didn't feel comfortable about this topic.   
"But?"  
"You don't want to hear this and I'm sorry I brought it up, should have not mention it." The thing was, when Sofia found out, her mother and Greg worked a case together, she had asked anyway and wanted an explanation, why he not mentioned it before.   
"Tell me. Please."  
"I told her, her daughter is missing her family and her only comment was…she doesn't have a daughter." His eyes were filled with sorrow when he said the last words. It hurt him saying them, hurt him to hurt Sofia.   
The blonde swallowed a few times, tried to keep her face straight. Her mother didn't have a daughter. That was a statement, that explained exactly, what she thought and felt about Sofia. The blonde didn't exist anymore. She disappointed her, ruined the dreams she had for her daughter. Now she wasn't a part of their life anymore. It was good she never called her parents, they had ended the call as soon as she said a word.   
"I'm sorry." Sara took Sofia's hand.   
"I didn't expect anything else. Sure, it would have been nice to hear my mother say she misses me too, wants to see me, accepts my feelings, but…that's not her. I messed up, I blew it, I've to pay for it, live with the consequences."  
"You didn't mess up, didn't blew and what she and your father do, makes them unfit being parents. You were honest, they punish you for something, you have no influence on. Makes me wonder how it can be that a cop prefers to live in a lie than know the truth. Not the best qualification to be a captain." Greg grumbled and pulled Sofia in his arms. "They're quite stupid, I hoped after a few days, weeks, their brains work again, looks like I was wrong."  
"My mom is stubborn. Until I'm not married and pregnant I won't exist anymore."  
"To us you exist and we're happy to have you around. And to somebody you're important enough to give you a ticket to P!nk. Hey, why don't we watch her Sydney concert on DVD tonight?"  
"Sure, it's a great one. Sara?"  
"Not exactly my music but I join you. The three musketeers have to be together, don't they?"  
The three musketeers? That was a nice description of them. All for one, one for all. So far Sofia had the feeling they were all fighting for her, that she did not much for her friends and she hoped, she could give back to them, give them all the help and support, they gave her now, when they were in need. 

Misery

If there was a picture of somebody being relaxed and absolutely happy with themselves, it was the picture in front of Sofia's eyes. Her kitten lay on her bed, on the back, all four legs sprayed to the left and right, eyes closed, loudly purring, and looking like he was right in paradise. And Sofia hoped it was exactly the way he felt, she hoped he was happy, as happy as a cat with his experiences in the past could be.   
"You are aware of the fact that this is still my bed, aren't you?" She lay next to him, kissed his head and put her hand on his belly. The whole time he never moved, never bothered to open his eyes. No need to, he trusted her.   
"I see you ignore the fact, fine. Now that we're both in MY bed, I can annoy you with how my last hours were, what's going on in my mind." He hand caressed gently the soft fur of his belly and he purred louder. Was it to show her how comfortable he was or a way to make some noise so he couldn't hear her?   
"There was another ticket in my locker, I've a ticket for the last P!nk concert in two weeks. A great thing, I should be over the moon because I enjoyed the first concert very much. The downside is, it's in Washington and I'd be three days, two nights away. The idea of leaving you here alone makes me very unhappy, it feels wrong. You need me, even when you are a pride young cat, who looks very smug right now, you need me to open the cans, I'm your can-opener. Sara offered to feed you, you like her, the problem is, she's away too. One of her secret out of town dates, she never talks about. So Greg offers to feed you…can you live with that? I know you aren't happy when he was around, even when he gives you no reason to be afraid." She knew, when Sara and Greg come over to watch the concert later, her kitten would stay in her bedroom, not willing to be in the same room like Greg. It had to be a man, who tortured the kitten, this was the only explanation Sofia had, why he reacted like this to men. When her father was over, it was the same.   
"He will come here in the morning and evening, gives you your food, fresh water and leaves, you will be the tiger of the apartment, have to take care of everything. Is that okay with you?" More purring, she took this as a 'yes'. It wasn't like Justice had many choices.   
"In an hour he and Sara will be here to watch a concert, you can have a look at him, check out that he's no thread. He's really cute, worries a lot about me and…he met my mother last night. She told him, she doesn't have a daughter anymore. Guess, you and me are left of the Curtis family. You know them, did you ever believe they'd turn their back on me because I'm in love with a woman?"   
The first visible reaction of her kitten, Justice turned, stretched and rubbed his nose on hers before he lay down again. A declaration of love from him to her, meant, he loved her, no matter what her parents thought.   
"At one point I've to tell Sara. For a while I hope it would go away, that I lose my interest in her, but she's…she's the one I want, the one I dream of all the time. I can't get over her and continue my life, even when…when I really want a relationship again. I miss being hold in arms, kissed good night and miss the sight of somebody smiling because I enter the room. I know you're happy to see me, you love me, but…I want a human, who feels the same for me too. I start to get lonely." She closed her eyes. It had been a while she was involved, a very long time ago. The problem was, she didn't feel like going out and look for somebody, give somebody a chance to steal her heart, it was taken by Sara and she was more than happy with this pick. The brunette was the best and…was it a smart idea to go for the second best when you couldn't get the best? Could the second best make you happy, when you knew, there was somebody out there, you wanted more. This couldn't work out, could it?   
"Can we make a deal?" She rolled on her belly and faced her cat, who opened his eyes to look at her. Such a smart car. He knew she talked to him and wanted some reaction.   
"When I come back from Washington, I invite Sara over for dinner and tell her what I feel. The whole truth, not only half of the story. I tell her I love her, that I'm in love with her for a long time and I can't imagine my life without her. That I'm aware of the fact it's not exactly what she wants to hear, but I hope she can accept my feelings and won't push me away like my parents did. When she has no interest in me, it will hurt, but I promise I won't push it, won't try anything, if we can continue to be friends. I love her, I want to be with her, but her friendship is also very important to me. I rather not have her as a lover than lose her as a friend.   
Do you think this is a good idea? Shall I say it this way? Because if I don't come clean to her, I get crazy. I'm ready for an answer, even when it's an answer I don't like. I need clarity."  
Justice meowed. To her it sounded like he approved. So, these were the words she had to remember when Sara was over, had to tell her. Oh god, she knew already, the nights before that evening - or more the days before that evening - weren't made for long and good sleeps.   
"I could also write it down and send her a letter…but I think I want to tell her face to face. And see her reaction." She grabbed the remote control of her stereo system and pressed play. Time for some music before she had to get up and make some popcorn for their concert. No beer tonight, it was a work night, popcorn was fine.   
Oh misery, oh misery  
Tell me why does my heart make a fool of me  
Seems it's my destiny  
For love to cause me misery  
Why did her heart make a fool out of her? A love fool for Sara Sidle. A love misery for the last weeks, months. She felt bad because she was in love, an unreturned love. And her love caused the misery with her parents. So yes, it was about time to get out of this misery.   
And oh, I've been down this road before  
With a passion it turns into pain  
And each time I saw love walk out the door  
I swore I never get caught again  
Yeah, how many times did she promise herself not to fall in love again? Not to fall for somebody, who'd break her heart. Every time she got disappointed again, she made this promise to herself and so far she failed to keep it. All right, Sara never hurt her, never did anything to hurt her, not with intentions, she only hurt Sofia because she didn't know better, had no idea about the feelings of the brunette for her. She never lied to the blonde.   
But ain't it true, it takes what it takes  
And sometime we get too smart to leave  
One more heartache for me  
Another night of misery, oh  
Was she too smart to leave? You could see it this way. She knew, as long as she loved Sara, there was no space for somebody else. Like she thought a few minutes ago, it made no sense to go to the second best one, when you knew the best one for yourself. There was no chance to get happy when you didn't have, what you wanted. So yes, she'd have Sara over soon, spend time with her, as a friend, sit next to her, not have her in her arms, not allowed to kiss her. All she had were her dreams about the brunette and another night of misery.   
She so had to talk to her! 

I've seen the rain

Her first trip to Washington. Away from home, alone in a city, she didn't know. Sofia always thought when she went away for a vacation alone, it would be to somewhere with a beach, a tropical beach. Instead rain greeted her and she missed her little tiger. Was Justice all right? she left him alone, left him in the apartment, how was he supposed to understand what was going on? She told him many times, yes, but what if he thought, she wouldn't come back home? Left him alone. He knew Greg, he was taken care of but…he was her tiger, she was responsible for him. What kind of mommy was she, left him alone to see a pop concert. Not a good cat mommy.   
Something else was hard on her mind, the promise she gave Justice and herself. When she was back home she had to talk to Sara, no excuse accepted to get around it. Yes, she lost a lot the last weeks by being honest, she lost her parents and when she lost Sara too…it would hurt but she had to be honest. The brunette left yesterday afternoon, should be back the same day she was due to be back. Maybe they could meet for a welcome back dinner.   
In her hotel room she sat on her bed and looked out of the window. It was cold, it rained and she felt lonely. Her excitement was gone, her intentions of seeing the city seemed not to be very important. Why go out into the rain? Catch a cold. Photos with this light and this weather weren't worth taken, she could stay here, go to bed and sleep. It was daytime, she was supposed to sleep during the day, keep her rhythm.   
"Great, you're in Washington and want to stay in bed, great idea, Sofia." She complained loud. Alone, she was alone. No Justice, who listened to her, her words flew by unheard. No Justice, she missed her tiger, missed having him in her arms, missed him listen to her babbling around all the time. No Justice, no cat, that sat on her lap, purred, made her feel better. All by herself.   
Her cell phone rang. Without looking she answered it. "Yeah?"  
"Wow, you sound like you're having a ball!"  
"Sara." A smile appeared on Sofia's face. Sara thought of her, called her. "How is…wherever you are." The brunette didn't say where she went to.   
"Not the best weather but I'm fine. What about you?"  
"Rain, it's cold and I miss my tiger. Do you think he's fine?"  
"I'm sure he is. He misses you, but Greg makes sure, he has enough food and you're back in two days. Let him have the apartment for himself, he might have a huge party going on right now. Invited a lot of hot cats."  
"He's neutered, no chance for two hot nights."  
"Poor boy. How are you? Beside the fact you miss your tiger."  
"Lonely. It was a stupid idea to come here, come to a strange city without company. Vacation trips are for couple, not for loners, nobody wants to spend time with."  
"Will you stop beating yourself up?"  
"Sorry…I think I'm not good company…and not fun to be with."  
"Usually you are, care to tell me what drags you down? What happened to the happy and smiling detective? I haven't seen you happy for a while, long before your parents became idiots."  
What dragged her down? The fact she was in love with a woman, who wasn't in love with her. The fact, that her heart was broken and it didn't look like there was any medicine to help her out of this. "Not on the phone, when I'm back home."  
"You might be happy by then."  
"I really doubt that." How should that happen? She fell in love with somebody, who also fell for her, came from Vegas and was here on vacation, like she was? Those things happened in movies, not in reality. It was a nice thought but it was impossible. Besides, she really doubted she could get herself interested in somebody else than Sara.   
"I've got a good feeling, give it a try. Are you going to the concert tonight? Or will you stay in bed and waste the chance of dancing to your favorite music?"  
"No, I go. It's the only thing I'll do tonight. I leave earlier, get some pizza somewhere, go over to the concert hall, try to enjoy the music, sing, dance and come back here…hope, they have good movies before I sleep the whole day tomorrow."  
"You want to see nothing else than the hotel?"  
"I'm alone, it's raining."  
"It can't rain all the time."  
"P!nk has a song about rain. Or actually, it's about the Vietnam war, just called I've seen the rain. Her dad was a soldier."  
"Tell me about it."  
"You're really a fan."  
"No, but I like listen to your voice, tell me about the song. Tell me a few lyrics, I know you know them all. Tell me your favorite parts."  
Sofia smiled a bit. Sara was cute, she tried to get her into a better mood.   
"I have seen the rain, I have felt the pain. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, I don't know where I'm going."  
"Do you know where you'll be tomorrow, Sofia? What you're going to do?"  
"No. Here? In bed? I don't know."  
"There're rain and pain in Washington."   
"I'm a depressing person to talk to, are you sure, you don't have better things to do?"   
"Give me a few more words of the song."  
Sofia sighed. All right, if Sara wanted another quote of the song, she could get it. "Spend my days just searching, spend my nights in dreams. Stop looking over my shoulder baby, I stopped wondering what it means."  
"Did you stop wondering what some things mean?"  
"Yeah, like why I got the envelopes, why I got the ticket to the concert tonight. I don't have an answer, won't get one, no matter what I do. I kind of enjoy the envelopes, I planned to enjoy this trip. My nights aren't spent in dreams, we both work nights, if we see dreams, they're bad, they're nightmares."  
"Are you looking for something during the day?"  
No, she found what she was looking for, the problem was, she couldn't get a hold on it. Two more day, in two days she'd change that. She'd lose everything or get answers.   
"No…or maybe for answers of questions I'm too scared to ask. The thing is, at one point these questions drive you crazy, you try to get them out your head, but you know, the only way to do it, is ask them and live with whatever answer you get."  
"Can I help you with them?"  
More than anybody else. Sara had all the answers, all the explanations. She hold Sofia's world on a string. "Maybe when we're both back in Vegas. Do you think we can meet for dinner when we're back?" Wrap it up, make it a date and then you have no chance to tell yourself, it wasn't a good idea. She had to force herself to talk to the brunette and Sara knew, there were things on Sofia's mind, she wanted to talk through with her, the brunette would make her talk.   
"Sure, want to go anywhere or shall I come over so you can stay with your baby?"  
"I'd like to stay with Justice, not leave him alone again."  
"No problem, I'll be at your place. We can order pizza."  
"Sounds like a great idea. Thanks."  
"You're welcome. Get some sleep so you're fit for the concert. Will you wear something pink?"  
"No." Sofia chuckled a little bit. "All black. Leather."  
"You'll steal P!nk the show. Enjoy it and smile more often, you look much better with a smile."  
"Thanks. Have a nice evening, thanks for the call."  
"You're welcome. See you soon."  
"Yeah." Sofia ended the call. Soon. Two more days. Sara came over, they'd have pizza and she could talk to her. "Less than fifty hours and I know where I'm standing. Fifty hours until I know the truth. I'm scared as hell - and talk to the walls because nobody else is around to listen." She closed her eyes. Where was her kitten? Her listener. She had to tell him what she planned, that in fifty hours it was judgment day. Justice would be excited with her…was it very crazy to treat a cat the way she did? If so, it was just another thing she should worry about. 

Fucking perfect II

When she made her way towards the stage, Sofia ha to admit, she was excited. Another P!nk concert, another chance to get spoiled with great music for two hours. Today there were more people than in Vegas, at least five thousand more. Hopefully that - and the fact it was the last concert - let the singer play a few more songs. Her camera was ready for a few photos, Greg ordered them, as well as a few videos. She'd see if she could fulfill his wishes. There had been a moment when she thought about giving him the ticket, he had missed the concert in Vegas, was a fan and should have the chance to see P!nk live too. The problem was, she would feel guilty towards whoever gave her the ticket, when she gave it away.   
The lights were turned off and the noise rose. Only a few more seconds and the concert started. The group to warm them up had been the same like in Vegas, Sofia enjoyed the music, but she was here to see P!nk. And she started with a song from her new album. Here comes the weekend. Not really, but Sofia was on vacation, to her it was a weekend. Plus this was a great song to start a concert, a really good chance to dance and jump around. She wondered if the singer would fly over her fans again. Amazing, made her feel like she could touch her.   
Pushing all bad thoughts away the blonde sang, danced and jumped around, got lost in the songs, found her way back and continued to celebrate a little party - with fifteen thousand other guests. Okay, it was a bigger party, but the host was great. One thing was for sure, the next tour Sofia would be there again, with a ticket she bought herself. She'd become a fan club member and get the chance to buy tickets first.   
The set list was slightly different to Vegas, but her favorite song should be on any minute. This song or the next one. Time to get her camera ready, she wanted a video of it. Remember it and watch it over and over again when she was back home. Show Justice why she left him alone for two nights.   
A hand was placed on her left shoulder, surprised she turned and saw…nobody she knew and nobody, who paid attention to her. But the hand was still there. She turned to the other side and almost dropped her camera.   
"What are you here doing?" Sara was here. What was the brunette doing here? How did she come in here? Okay, stupid question, for that she needed a ticket but…Sara wasn't a fan and this was Washington, when did Sara get here? And why? What happened to her secret out of town trip?  
"I thought I come and have a look if she's live really so great."   
"How did you find me?" Fifteen thousand people, not a seat, somewhere in between many other people, it was impossible.   
"I'm a CSI, I'm good. So is the concert."  
"Yes." Sofia kept staring at Sara. She was here. next to her. Impossible. She must have lost her mind, this was not possible. Sara was…she had no idea, but not in Washington and surely not at the concert. And even if, if Sara bought a ticket too, the possibility they found each other here was…not given. Sofia must have lost it. She lived so much in her world, her Sara focused world, that she lost touch with reality.   
"Isn't that your favorite song?"   
Sofia shook her head to get back into reality. Sara, if she was real, was right. This was her favorite song.   
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood  
Miss, no way it's all good, it didn't slow me down  
Mistaken, always second guessing  
Underestimated, look, I'm still around  
Fucking perfect, her favorite song, the song that reminded her so much of Sara and now here she was, at the concert and Sara was right next to her. At least it seemed like she was, Sofia was not sure if this was all real or she got lost in her own world. Wouldn't it be totally embarrassing when she thought Sara was here, while it was somebody else and she talked to this person like she talked to Sara. Worse, she had the urge to hug the brunette, she couldn't do that until she was really sure, this was all real and not a daydream. But how could she find out she was awake and not…crazy?   
"You like it too?"  
"Yeah, not too bad." Sara grinned.   
So complicated, look how big you'll make it  
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game  
It's enough, I've done all I can think of  
Chased down all my demons, see you do the same  
She felt how arms were pulled around her, Sara pulled her in her arms, her head next to Sofia's. If this was somebody else, her hallucination was pretty strong. The person smelled like Sara, felt like Sara and Sofia could swear, there was this feeling in her stomach, she only got when Sara was very close to her. She couldn't have lost it this much, this had to be real.   
"This feels so unreal, you here." She manage to say. "I think I'm dreaming."  
"You're not, it's all real."  
It felt real, it felt like she was really at the concert. She did wake up and leave the hotel room didn't she? It wasn't a dream. No, she really left, the man, who tried to hit on her when she ordered her pizza was so horrible, she couldn't come up with somebody like him in her dreams. Not possible. So she was really at the concert, but was this really Sara?`   
"Can't be. It can't be true."  
"Why?"  
"It's too good to be true. You here with me, me in your arms, it can't be real, it must a dream. Reality isn't this good." Wow, one thing was for sure. If this was real and Sara was next to her, she didn't need to surprise her with her feelings when they were back in Vegas. After Sofia's last words, Sara had to know everything.   
"If this is too good to be true, what is this?" And with these words Sara turned Sofia so they stood face to face. For a second the blonde got lost in the brown eyes of the woman opposite to her before she was pulled in closer and Sara kissed her softly.   
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel  
Like you're less than, less than perfect  
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel  
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me  
This had to be the best dream she ever had and it felt so real! She had to tell Justice about when she was awake! 

True love

Sofia opened and closed her eyes rapidly a few times to make sure she was really awake and not in another dream. No, she still saw the same, no matter how often she opened and closed her eyes. Sara was still next to her, her head on the blonde's shoulder, both is Sofia's hotel room bed.   
"Got something in your eyes?" The brunette asked amused.   
"Yeah, the most beautiful woman in the world and I want to make sure it's real and not a dream."  
"You must be a big dreamer, all the time you wonder, if you're really awake and not in a another dream."  
"Because the last months…whenever you were in my arms, it was a dream. It's hard to believe it's real this time."  
"Did I kiss you in your dream?"  
"Yes." Various times, all the time, it was a reason why her dreams were this good.   
"Okay, so it won't prove you're awake when I kiss you now, no reason to do it. I could get up and leave the room, did I do that in your dreams?"  
"No! And no! Don't you dare to leave!" Okay, she was awake, in her dreams Sara never come up with such a stupid idea, leaving her. In her dreams, the brunette couldn't take her hands off her. "And I want a kiss!"  
"You demand it?"  
"Yes. Now!" She pulled Sara's head closer and kissed her. Sweet lips, This felt better than she ever imagined in her dreams. "Better." Sara was in her arms, she was with her and she kissed her! Her dream came true.   
"Are you satisfied now?" The teasing tone was more than obvious. Sara was very amused about Sofia's behavior, enjoyed seeing the blonde so confuse, not sure if she was awake or asleep.   
"No, now I want answers."  
"Interrogation? You're off duty, detective and I'm way too lazy to get up and sit across from you at the table to let you interrogate me."  
"We can do this here, I can talk with you in my arms, in fact, I prefer to talk with you in my arms, it took me ages to have you in them. What are you doing here?"  
"I'm here because you pulled me here after the concert to have sex with me, which we had. In case you don't remember. If you can't, it can't be good and we have to consider, if we want to do it again."  
"You think you're funny, smart ass?"  
"I know when I'm awake and when I dream. Do you?"  
"It's my part to ask the questions, your part is to answer and I don't accept any lies. Why are you here?"  
"I booked a flight to Washington weeks ago to visit some friends."  
"Visit some friends?"  
"Yeah, remember these text messages, you and Greg were so anxious to find out who they sent? A friend of mine, who lives here."  
"And this friend sent you messages during the night?"  
"When you are close to become a mom for the first time and when you and your baby are home, you don't have the nights for sleeping, you are awake, can send messages. Plus the time difference."   
That was the reason why Sara was happy when she received the messages. Her friend told her about the baby, probably sent her photos. A friend and her first baby. No secret lover, no reason to worry all the time. "Why did you never tell us?"  
"None of your business. Besides, it was amusing to see how you tried to find out anything and failed. Pretty poor show for a detective and CSI."  
"The idea there was somebody in your life, who sent you messages day and night, who you go to and visit was not exactly a thought, that made me happy."  
"I got told so."  
"What?" Sara got told so? "By whom?"  
"The one, who sent you the envelopes and the first ticket."  
"One moment, what do you know about that?" How could Sara know and Sofia had no clue? She was the one, who received them all the time, she should know.   
"Everything, I'm a great CSI."  
"You sent them!" It was the only explanation, that made sense. The brunette sent the envelopes, just what Sofia hoped the whole time.   
"No, I gave you the last ticket to make sure, you come to Washington. That was the only envelope you got from me."  
"Who is responsible for the rest and why do you know who it is?"  
"No DNA, no fingerprints, left in your locker or your mailbox, obviously somebody who works in the department, knows where you live, knows how to avoid evidence. Sure, there are a few people, who fit this description, but how many people know you love P!nk? Can match the song lyrics to your mood?"  
"Nobody, I only told you and…Greg!?!"  
"Took you a long time, detective."  
"He said he has nothing to do with it, wanted to call Jim because of my stalker."  
"Good actor, our Greggo. I confronted him with these things a month ago, he asked me not to tell you because he had the feeling, these messages, that weren't meant to go on this long, helped you through a rough time. When I asked what exactly was going on, he tried not to tell me the truth, but I got him talking. So he told me about your feelings towards me, hoped I'd do something, end your suffering.   
I needed a place to talk to you, then I got the idea with the P!nk concert here, away from Vegas, a lot of time to talk. I made sure you come here, watched you from the moment you left your hotel, made sure I was only a few yards behind you in the concert hall until I thought, it was about time to surprise you. Greg told me how the possible set list was, I knew which song was your favorite and I wanted to be with you shortly before it started. By the way, you don't have to feel sorry for Greg, he never missed the concert in Vegas, he won two tickets, went there the same night you did."  
"He did? I thought he worked. Why did he not tell me?"  
"Because of the messages, if you had known he was there, you knew he was the one, who left the messages. It was supposed to be a short fun, before they became important to you. The last two weeks we planned this trip, made sure everything was taken care off, so you could fly and then it was up to me to finish the plan. I succeeded."  
"This was a huge setup?"  
"If you want to give it a negative description, yes, we played you. At least the last month, when we planned this. He doesn't know about my friend here, has no idea, who sends me the messages, so you and me are the only ones, who know the entire truth. There were many days when I was very close to tell you about everything, it hurt to see you suffer, but the time wasn't right; I wasn't ready. I knew I had feelings for you, but I wasn't sure how strong and what exactly they were and I didn't want to do anything until I was sure. Everything else was too dangerous, I could have hurt you. If I had told you, we'll never be more than friends, it had hurt, if I had told you, I have feelings for you and realized a little bit later, they weren't the same, you have for me, I had hurt you too. That's why kept you waiting.   
I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you. And for not telling you what was going on right from the beginning." Sara looked sad. It hadn't been easy, but she hadn't seen any other possibility.   
"The last months were pretty difficult and painful."   
"I know. Especially when your parents turned their back on you, I want to pull you in my arms and never let you go again. But the time wasn't right, so I tried to be there for you, help you as much as I could, as much as a friend could."  
"You helped me a lot, you and Greg. Without the two of you and Justice, I've no idea where I'd be today. If I'd be still alive."  
"Believe me, we had both an eye on you all the time."  
"Does he know…about us?"  
"Yes, he knows why I gave you the ticket. He has no idea if it all worked out the way we plan, we should let him know soon."  
"I was used as a ball, was played all the way."  
"For your own good - even when it sounds not like it."  
"I've got my happy end." Sofia kissed Sara again. She really had the brunette in her arms, she knew the brunette felt the same for her, like she felt for her. She had her personal happy end.   
"Did you enjoy the concert?" She asked with a smirk. "I mean, what you saw of it, somehow you seemed to be a little bit distracted after a certain song…a fucking perfect song."  
"Sometimes I wonder how we ever came to be, but without you I'm incomplete. I think it must be true love, true love. It must be true love." Sara kissed her gently.   
This was her answer and Sofia understood it. Her…girlfriend! enjoyed the concert, she even remembered some lyrics and in Sofia's eyes, she remembered the most important ones. Yes, it was true love.


End file.
